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General Upholstery Questions and Comments => General Discussion => Topic started by: sofadoc on May 18, 2018, 08:06:54 AM

Title: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on May 18, 2018, 08:06:54 AM
Bill and Tom were best friends. One was moving to Florida, the other was moving to Michigan. They made a promise to meet up every 10 years and have dinner.

At 30 years old, Bill asked Tom "Where do you want to go?" Tom quickly said "Hooters!"
"Why Hooters?" Bill asked. "Because they have good looking women with big racks" Tom replied.
"Sounds good" said Bill. So off to Hooters they went.

At 40, Bill asked again. Once again Tom said "Hooters".
"They have lots of TV's with all the games on".
So again they went to Hooters.

At 50, Tom said "Let's meet at Hooters. They have plenty of parking"

At 60, Tom said "Let's go to Hooters. The wings are half price before 5"

At 70, Tom wanted to meet at Hooters because they had handicapped parking spaces.

Finally at 80, Bill asked Tom where he wanted to meet. Tom said "Hooters".
Bill asked "Why Hooters?"
Tom replied "Because we've never been there before".
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on May 18, 2018, 01:34:45 PM
Sorry for the caps - it came to me this way

ROMANTIC TEXT MESSAGE
 
AN ELDERLY COUPLE LEARNED TO SEND TEXT MESSAGES ON THEIR MOBILE PHONES.

THE WIFE, A RETIRED COLLEGE ENGLISH INSTRUCTOR WITH EMPHASIS ON THE CLASSICS, WAS AN UNAPOLOGETIC ROMANTIC; HER HUSBAND, A RETIRED SALTY NAVY CHIEF PETTY OFFICER OF THIRTY YEARS' SERVICE, WAS A NO-NONSENSE GUY.

ONE AFTERNOON THE WIFE WENT TO THE LOCAL STARBUCK'S TO MEET A FRIEND FOR COFFEE.  WHILE AWAITING HER FRIEND'S ARRIVAL, SHE EXERCISED HER NEW SKILL BY SENDING HER HUSBAND A ROMANTIC TEXT MESSAGE:
 
"IF YOU ARE SLEEPING, SEND ME YOUR DREAMS.  IF YOU ARE LAUGHING, SEND ME YOUR SMILE. IF YOU ARE EATING, SEND ME A BITE.  IF YOU ARE DRINKING, SEND ME A SIP. IF YOU ARE CRYING, SEND ME YOUR TEARS. I LOVE YOU."

THE HUSBAND RESPONDED:  "I'M TAKIN' A CRAP.   PLEASE ADVISE."

ALMOST BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYES.

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on May 18, 2018, 05:53:40 PM
True story. It was on the internet.

A girl got a text from her mom. It said, "Aunt Thelma has died. She will be missed by all of us. LOL Mom."

The girl quickly called her mom and said she was sorry to hear about Aunt Thelma. She then asked her mom what LOL meant. Her mom said "Lot's of love." The girl then told her mom what it really means. Her mom panicked and said she had to go so she could call all the people she sent that text to explain her mistake.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on May 25, 2018, 08:25:02 AM
A world famous cardiologist died. All of his colleagues attended his funeral.

The coffin was shaped like a giant open heart. As they began to lower it into the ground, the heart closed up.

One of the attendees began laughing. When he noticed all the disapproving stares, he apologized.

"I'm sorry", he said "I was just picturing my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist".
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on June 08, 2018, 10:09:47 AM
Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol
 
 
Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.
 
Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol:
 
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
 
What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
 
Here's her story in her own words:
 
 
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
 
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible.  His life insurance was a big bonus!”
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on June 08, 2018, 01:08:13 PM
I can hear the husband when she pulled out the gun, you think your going to kill that beast with that little gun? :)
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on June 14, 2018, 11:33:56 AM
Yes, the new one is out! The brand new edition of You know you're a *******  when...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on June 15, 2018, 11:32:37 AM
The Cynical Philosopher   
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.  Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
 ♦When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
 ♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.  We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.  I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

 ♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.  I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.”  If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.  I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
 ♦ Money can’t buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.  Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.  The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on June 15, 2018, 07:12:05 PM
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "did you bring the money?"
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on June 15, 2018, 07:41:47 PM

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.


No Joke. The neighborhood kids are always up to something. One day two grade school girls stopped by asking for donations for the school because the drinking water wasn't working. They needed money to buy bottled water. I thought this odd, couldn't their mother send water to school with them? I told them Rose has all the money and she's not here right now.

I wish I had thought of just giving them a jug of tap water. Lol

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on June 15, 2018, 09:43:42 PM
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Try spending a few weeks in an old cabin in Northern Canada in the summer. That can of Raid is on the kitchen table when you are in the kitchen. It is in the bedroom when you are in the bed room. It goes with you down the trail when you need to use the double header, if you are lucky enough to have a double header.

Jeff Foxworthy: You know you are a redneck when your front porch collapses and kills at least 5 dogs. You know you are a redneck when your mom doesn't even take the cigarette out of her mouth to tell the State Trooper to kiss her a$$.

There was a nice picture of a young couple walking down a country road going through the woods for a day hike. He said, "This road is kind of creepy." She said, "Yes. It's going to be scary walking back by myself."

Thanks for the variety of wit and humor.

gene

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on June 19, 2018, 09:51:37 AM
. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
 
2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
 
3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
 
4. Why do we say something is out of whack?   What is a whack?
 
5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
 
6 Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
 
7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
 
8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
 
9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
 
10. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
 
11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
 
12.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
 
13. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
 
14. Why is "phonetic" not spelled the way it sounds?
 
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
 
16 If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
 
17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
 
18. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
 
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
 
20 Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
 when you know the batteries are dead?
 
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
 
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
 
23. Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren't we clean when we use them?
 
24 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
 
26. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree
and eat candy out of your socks?
 
27.  Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on June 19, 2018, 09:42:16 PM
I don't know.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on June 20, 2018, 11:53:08 AM
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's  temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!

How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says:
"The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: baileyuph on June 20, 2018, 06:14:55 PM
Good one!

Could be good advice for me too!

Wink,

Doyle
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: 65Buick on June 20, 2018, 09:18:08 PM
Being a dog (dachshund) owner since 2011, still chuckling at 'you're an a$$ when you take your dog for a walk and both use the same tree.'
Btw, you're most likely to be bit by a Dox, than a pit or a rot, etc. They were bred to hunt rodents.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on June 22, 2018, 06:47:56 AM
65Buick: Btw, you're most likely to be bit by a Dox, than a pit or a rot, etc. They were bred to hunt rodents.

Are you saying we're all a bunch of rats?



On a different note, it is Friday. I know we all have different senses of humor. I've been known to be laughing my a$$ off at one of my jokes with everyone else standing around with an "I don't get it" look on their face.

This is the funniest video I have ever seen. Happy Friday! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gSYKgAMPBc
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on June 22, 2018, 11:05:34 AM
Gene I tried my best but could not watch it all the way through -
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on June 22, 2018, 11:12:32 AM
A Father asked his 10 year old Son if he knew about the birds and the bees. 

I don't want to know, the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the Father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed.

When I was six I got the " there's no Easter Bunny speech"
At seven I got the " there's no Tooth Fairy speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with  "There's no Santa speech."
If you're going to tell me that grown ups don't really have sex I'll have nothing left to live for -

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on June 22, 2018, 09:42:41 PM
SteveA: Gene I tried my best but could not watch it all the way through



Hey SteveA, you probably see things like this every day out on the streets living in NYC. I'm in the mid west and this is a rarity. :-)

gene
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on June 23, 2018, 11:53:52 AM
You're right - there is some stuff to see here.  This weekend I had scheduled a service call on Sunday to the east village - Bleeker st.  Come to find out that the gay pride parade is also on that day so I had to postpone.  No way I could get to the residence with 2-1/2 million people lining the streets to watch the parade.  My Son whose on the PD usually works the parades - great overtime - funny he'll earn on that day and I can't :(
Maybe I should go anyway and pass out business cards :) there's an endless clientele in one place !
A couple of weeks ago was the Puerto Rican Parade - that starts the night before and ends the night after.  Hey might as well do it up right - it's only once a year -
NYC was crowned the worst place in the Nation to travel into by car.  The average travel time is 1-2 hours.   
I'm ready for the mid west - and get the heck out of here - 3 more years to go -
SA
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on June 23, 2018, 07:13:56 PM
In my previous life in sales and marketing I had an older salesman who lived in Brooklyn. Every time I flew into NY my standing joke was to tell him I wanted to do the 3 biggest things you can do in New York: see a Broadway play, visit a prostitute, and get mugged. I did the first but not the other two.

NY is a different world from where I live.

gene
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on June 24, 2018, 09:14:41 AM
Not one bite from the entire crew - was it the Trump reference ?

OK I'll try a Jeff Foxworthy bit - I assume he wrote these ? That's what they tell me -

By Jeff Foxworthy:
 
If plastic water bottles are okay, but plastic bags are banned, — you might live in a nation (state) that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

WE DO LIVE IN SUCH A DUMB COUNTRY!!
 
If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If you have to get your parents' permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If, in the nation's largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If an 80-year-old woman who is confined to a wheelchair or a three-year-old girl can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is "cute" but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more "safe" according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on July 06, 2018, 08:20:16 AM
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on July 13, 2018, 12:35:49 PM
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida.  They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.
 
 
At age 30,  they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
 
"Where you wanna go?"
 
"Hooters."
 
"Why?"
 
"Well, you know, they got the nice girls, with the healthy torsos , and the tight shorts, and the legs ..."
 
"OK."
 
 
 
Ten years later at age 40 they play.
 
"Where you wanna go?"
 
"Hooters.
 
"Why?"
 
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."
 
"OK."
 
 
 
Ten years later at age 50 they play
 
"Where you wanna go?"
 
"Hooters."
 
"Why?"
 
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."
 
"OK."
 
 
 
At age 60 they play
 
"Where you wanna go?"
 
"Hooters."
 
"Why?"
 
"Wings are half price."
 
"OK"
 
 
 
At age 70 they play
 
"Where you wanna go?"
 
"Hooters."
 
"Why?"
 
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
 
"OK."
 
 
 
At age 80 they play
 
"Where you wanna go?"
 
"Hooters."
 
"Why?"
 
"We've never been there before."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on July 13, 2018, 08:47:21 PM
Finally a really funny joke about getting old and losing our memories!

Know what makes this joke truly funny, steveA? Look at the very first joke posted on this topic thread by sofaDoc. LMAO!

gene

PS: With my memory I'm laughing with you, not at you.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on July 14, 2018, 06:44:21 AM
Yea I'm loosing it - but it gets worse -
On Thursday about 6pm my Son calls and say's Happy Anniversary - complete silence from me. Dad are you there ?  Yes but just got this feeling in my gut that the rest of today won't go well.
38 years married and friends since grammar school  - not supposed to forget milestones -  what to do - no card - most the day passed - need to find a way to tell this lady something that will erase my forgetfulness   So I approach and say " where do you feel like going on our Anniversary tonight "  without missing a beat - wherever you want to go. 
You see that's why I married her :)
SA

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on July 15, 2018, 11:40:45 AM
SteveA, you probably won't be able to remember, but how many times have you said to your wife, "So, where do you feel like going for our anniversary tonight?" Or, "So, where do you feel like going for your birthday tonight?" And you get that look from your wife that tell's you you've got the wrong date? LOL


gene
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on July 15, 2018, 03:41:17 PM
Two days late but not a repeat - I hope ! 


 I urgently needed a few days off work, but,  I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.  I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'  then he would tell me to take a few days off.
 
 
 So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.  My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.  I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so
 
 
 that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
 
 
 A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What on Earth  are you doing?'  I told him I was a light bulb.
 
 
 He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'I jumped down and walked out of the office...
 
 
 When my co-worker  followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
 
 She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on July 15, 2018, 07:47:51 PM
38 years married and friends since grammar school  - not supposed to forget milestones -  what to do - no card - most the day passed - need to find a way to tell this lady something that will erase my forgetfulness   So I approach and say " where do you feel like going on our Anniversary tonight "  without missing a beat - wherever you want to go. 
You see that's why I married her :)
SA


You're not doing bad, at least you remember how many years. You best take her to her favorite restaurant.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: 65Buick on July 17, 2018, 09:59:31 PM
Heck I'm just about to turn 38 and it wasn't long ago I did the same exact thing
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on July 19, 2018, 10:59:31 AM
A Day Early

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started..

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on July 20, 2018, 02:51:16 PM
Gene this is for you :)


After his exam, the doctor said to the crafty upholsterer , “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the journeyman upholsterer. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his lovely wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The wife replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual  concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”
“Oh that crazy old stitcher  …” she replied.
“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on July 27, 2018, 08:26:31 PM
Completely corny jokes.

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

PUMPKIN PI


What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?

BYE-SON!


Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."


Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crummy.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on July 29, 2018, 09:25:18 AM
The Millennials are now traveling unsupervised!
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach.  It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We ass/u/me/d it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy.  We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to siesta in the afternoons.  I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water.  The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort.  Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun"
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England.  It took the Americans only three hours to get home.  This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.'  We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish.  No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito.  The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed.  We now hold you all responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant.  This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BEWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US and...THEY VOTE!

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: MinUph on July 29, 2018, 11:27:20 AM
I know it is scary to think these people will run things some day.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on July 29, 2018, 08:10:19 PM
I'm glad I won't be around when they are running things.


A person who speaks more than 2 languages is called a polyglot.

A person who speaks 2 languages is called bi lingual.

A person who speaks only 1 language is called an American.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on August 03, 2018, 08:01:59 AM
3 bulls heard that a new bull was coming to the ranch.

The first bull said "I've been here 10 years, and I have 100 cows to service. I'm not giving up any of my cows to the new guy".
The second bull said "Well, I only have 50 cows. So I'm not giving up any of mine either"
The third bull said "I haven't been here as long as you guys. I only have 10 cows. I'm keeping them".

Then the truck pulled up. The ramp went down. And out came the most massive bull any of them had ever seen. Weighing 4700 lbs, the ramp cringed under him.

The first bull said "Well, I guess I could spare a few of my cows".
"Me too" said the second bull.

The third bull stood there snorting and driving his horns into the ground.

"Don't be a hero" said the first bull. "It's not worth it. Just give him some of your cows."

The third bull continued snorting. "Are you kidding? He can have ALL of my cows. I'm just trying to make sure that he knows I'm a bull" 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on August 03, 2018, 01:29:32 PM
Ouch Doc -



       Only a Texas cowboy can make you feel like a Woman...
 
 A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on August 11, 2018, 06:01:42 AM
Subject: Ah the joy of aging
ROMANCE

Barb was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep but Barb was  in a
romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back
to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "

Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked."To get my teeth!"
______________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
______________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just
can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
______________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be
careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________

SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls
in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
and say "Supersex." She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."
______________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major
crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,  "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light
was red again. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red
but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know
that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on August 11, 2018, 08:45:02 AM
Little old man and little old lady in a nursing home.

The little old lady walks up to the little old man sitting in his wheelchair and says, I bet I can guess how old you are.

Little old man grumbling says, I doubt it.

Little old lady, Can too. Pull down your zipper.

Old man, huh?

Old lady, you heard me, pull down your zipper.

Old man grumbling and reluctantly pulls down his zipper. And before he could do anything she reaches in there and feels around. After a minute or two she exclaims, your 83 years old.

Huh, what? How'd you do that?

Old lady, well you told me yesterday. 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Mojo on August 16, 2018, 02:26:45 PM
Did you hear the news ?

Dennis fell into his upholstery machine.

Not to worry.......He is fully recovered. :)

Mojo
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on August 16, 2018, 06:52:23 PM
The doctors had to cut off the entire left side of his body.

Not to worry... he's all right now. :-)
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on August 17, 2018, 08:05:44 AM
Phyllis heard about a new store called "The Man Store", where women could go to shop for a man.
 
It was a 6 floor department store. As she entered the first floor, there was a sign explaining the shopping rules.

THE QUALITY OF THE MEN INCREASES WITH EACH FLOOR.
IF YOU PROCEED TO THE NEXT FLOOR, YOU CAN'T GO BACK.

The first floor had a sign that said "All these men have jobs, and love the Lord". She browsed the selection, but decided to move on to the second floor.

The second floor said "All these men have jobs, love the Lord........and also love kids". She was impressed, but wanted to see what the third floor had to offer.

The third floor said "All these men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids........and are incredibly good looking". Now she was really curious to see the next floor.

The fourth floor said "All these men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, good looking.....and also love to do housework". Of course, she just had to see the next floor.

The fifth floor said "All these men have all the qualities of the previous floors.......PLUS.....they are great at making love". Sensing that the true man of her dreams was just a floor away, she moved on to the final floor.

The sign at the entrance to the sixth floor said "There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists to prove that no man can truly satisfy a woman".

 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on August 17, 2018, 12:44:55 PM
man it's bash doc week.  Now that we have heard he's reverent and will turn the other cheek ....... but it doesn't mean he won't hit back and he has a good right hand.
I'm not going to mess with the guy like you folks are - Dennis will get even. 
Well maybe I can take one small jab at him because you folks antagonized me - really Dennis it's not my fault  - These are for you - all quotes from your threads in the last  10 years


I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
These days, "on time" is when I get there.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

SA
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on August 24, 2018, 06:41:47 AM
Sorry for the caps


A  HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?  IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."
 
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,  "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?  DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘GE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?  I DON'T THINK SO."

“FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL, THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIES, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘WESTINGHOUSE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?  I DON'T THINK SO.”
 
“FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS."  HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'HOME HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?  I DON'T THINK SO - I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.  I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A  COUPLE OF HOURS..................... .. ......

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. 

“HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?”
 
SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.  JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM."

"HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE HIM A CAKE." 

HE SAYS, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIES, "HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE 'BETTY CROCKER' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?”
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on August 25, 2018, 04:30:46 PM
Sign in a bar/restaurant:

Don't drink and drive.
There are people who text and drive.
They will hit you.
And you will be blamed for the accident because you were drinking.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on August 31, 2018, 06:41:02 AM
My new favorite video for a Friday funny.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAIZ98PB7cE

gene
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on August 31, 2018, 07:55:10 AM
A woman in a coffee shop sneezed. She took out a tissue and wiped her nose, and then began to groan loudly and shudder violently.

A little while later, she did all this again.

When she did it for a third time, a man sitting nearby asked her if everything was OK.

She replied "Oh, it's just a strange condition that I have. Any time I sneeze, I have an orgasm".

"That IS strange" said the man. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes" said the woman.........."Pepper". 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on August 31, 2018, 09:37:11 AM
My wife and I went to the Texas Agricultural State Fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.  We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on September 07, 2018, 04:18:40 PM
One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley motorcycle in the garage.

His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, and your fishing gear, and the boat and lose all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car, and your home brewing equipment..."

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
 

Tom replied, “I wasn't.."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on September 07, 2018, 07:07:49 PM
I wonder if I could use that line on Rose. No, never mind. Good joke though.
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on September 12, 2018, 09:33:45 AM
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
 
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
 
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on September 12, 2018, 09:55:19 PM
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on September 13, 2018, 10:41:49 AM
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,  the Pastor of a small church  found a pink envelope containing  $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected  And saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on  the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week  in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money  And I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?

"He is a veterinarian," she answered..

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada..... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno   
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on September 14, 2018, 06:00:38 AM
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5 lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10 lb potato bags. Then try 50 lb potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level).

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on September 14, 2018, 07:08:57 AM
Here's your English lesson for the day!
 
"Complete" or "Finished"?
 
During a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that distinction.
The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”
Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’”

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on September 18, 2018, 01:48:31 PM
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on September 19, 2018, 12:05:33 PM
HOLY HUMOR
                                           
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
========
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady, kindly...
 ========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those  who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
 ========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money  to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back  of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.."
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of  him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
Last, but not least, a great one:

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the  church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
=======
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on September 21, 2018, 02:33:46 PM
This is a conversation between a man and a woman.
Please note that she asked seven questions, which he answered quite simply,   but then she was speechless after answering only one question.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman :  “Do you drink beer?”
Man:   “Yes.”
Woman:   “How many beers a day?”
Man :  “Usually about three.”
Woman:   “How much do you pay per beer?”
Man:   “Five dollars, which includes a tip.”  (This is where it gets scary!)
Woman:   “And how long have you been drinking?”
Man:   “About 20 years, I suppose.”
Woman:   “So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450.   In one year that would be approximately $5,400 , correct?”
Man:   “Correct.”
Woman:   “If in one year you spend $5,400 , not accounting for inflation, the past twenty years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?”
Man:   “Correct.”
Woman:   “Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and, after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years , you could’ve by now bought an airplane?”
Man:   “Do you drink beer?”
 
Woman:   “No.”
 
Man:   “Where’s your airplane?
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on September 28, 2018, 02:58:42 PM
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy....
 
   Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to urinate.

 Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

 Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always
Move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
 Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 Law of bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. Not only at hockey games, anywhere there are seats in a row!

 The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on October 01, 2018, 10:59:46 AM
An aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner. The term is often applied to philosophical, moral and literary principles.
 
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
 
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
 
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
 
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
 
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
 
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.
 
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!
 
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
 
♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
 
♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
 
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
 
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
 
♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
 
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
 
♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
 
♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
 
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
 
♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
 
Now, don’t you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on October 01, 2018, 07:52:30 PM
Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

A few years ago some black men who worked for the secret service sued a Denny's in South Carolina, if I remember correctly. A local DJ said they would lose the law suit because everyone gets bad service at Denny's.
-------------------------------
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

A lady said she saw a guy with Chinese characters tattoo on his arm. She asked him what it said. He said "I don't know". She took a picture of it and showed it to a Chinese friend and asked the friend what it said. The Chinese friend said it says "I don't know."
----------------------------
Money can't buy happiness, but you can pull your yacht up long side of it.
Money can't buy happiness, but it does give you more places to go and look for it.

gene
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on October 02, 2018, 02:32:22 PM
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman,   “Which book has helped you most in your life?”   The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book!!”****
A prospective husband in a book store   asks,   “Do you have a book  called ‘Husband, the Master of the House?’" Sales girl: Fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”   ****
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call  your wife – darling, honey, luv.  What’s the secret?" Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."****
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an  anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription.      Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not   enough!****
A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the  best woman ever.The very next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.*****
There are 3 kinds of men in this world…..Some remain single   and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see  wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened!   ******
Wives are magicians They can change anything into an argument.******
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!" ******
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!!! ******
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.******
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?" The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's  awake!
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on October 05, 2018, 06:50:53 AM
Thinking he was being comical, a man joked about his wife being a little overweight by saying, "We should wash your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe that would take a few inches off your butt!"

Since it was close to bedtime, she didn't want to start an argument, so just ignored it and went to sleep.

Next morning the husband pulled out a pair of clean underwear covered in powder. He said, "What's this stuff on my shorts?"

The wife replied, "It's called MIRACLE GROW!"

TALK ABOUT REVENGE BEING SWEET!
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on October 05, 2018, 08:01:51 AM
A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy! Mommy! I was the only kid in my class who could count all the way to 10. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10......see?"

The mother said "That's nice dear". The girl asked "Why am I so smart? Is it because I'm blonde?"
The mom replied "Yes dear. It's because you're blonde".

The next day, the girl came running in yelling "Mommy! Mommy! I was the only one who could say my ABC's all the way up to G. Listen, A B C D E F G........see?"
"That's nice dear" said the mom. "Am I so smart because I'm blonde?" asked the girl.
"Yes honey" replied her mother.

The 3rd day, the girl ran in even more excited. "Mommy! Mommy! We had gym class today. When I took my top off, my boobs were WAY bigger than all the other girls. Why are my boobs so big? Is it because I'm blonde?"

"No" said the mother. "It's because you're 24 years old".
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on October 05, 2018, 08:27:52 AM
*AGREEMENT BEFORE SEX!*

*Due to the current and often false allegations made by parties, which include , Harassment, Blackmail etc. there is now an agreement to be signed before "action".*

AGREEMENT BEFORE SEX

I, ___________________, the undersigned female partner (herein referred to as the 'Lady'), am about to enjoy sexual intercourse with _________________ (hereafter referred to as the 'Gentleman'), certify the following:

1. THAT I am above the lawful age of consent.

2. THAT I am not under the influence of liquor or any narcotic.

3. THAT the afore mentioned Gentleman did not use any force, threats, coercion or promises to influence me.

4. THAT I, the Lady, am in no fear of him whatsoever.

5. THAT I do not expect or wish to marry him.

6. THAT I do not know if he is married or not and neither do I care.

7. THAT I am neither asleep nor drunk.

8. THAT I am entering this relationship with him; because I love and want to as much as he does.

9. THAT in the event that I receive full satisfaction, which I expect, I declare in advance the capacity and willingness for further participation at regular intervals.

10. THAT I will not act as a witness against him nor will I file charges against him in the event that,
  (a) I contract an STD
  (b) I become pregnant
  (c) I feel that he is violating any legislation - moral, legal or otherwise.

SIGNED BEFORE JUMPING INTO BED ON THIS ___ DAY OF _____ (MONTH) ________ (YEAR) AT ______ (AM/PM)

_______________________
(Signature of Lady ) 

-------------------------------------
(Signature of Gentleman)
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on October 12, 2018, 06:39:43 AM
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
“God loves drunk people too you know.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on October 12, 2018, 03:37:22 PM
Tom decided to get a face lift so he would look younger.

When he left the hospital, he stopped in at a convenience store to buy a cup of coffee.

He asked the cashier "How old do I look?" The cashier looked him over and said "I'd say about 35".
Beaming with pride, Tom told the cashier that he was actually 47.

Later, he went to Mcdonald's for lunch. Again, he asked the cashier how old she thought he was.
She replied "Oh, I'd say you're 29". Tom smiled, and said "Actually, I'm 47".

On his way home, he spotted an old lady at the bus stop. So he asked her the same question.
The lady said "Honey, I'm 87 and my vision is very poor. But if you let me feel your balls for 10 minutes, I'm sure that I can guess your age".

Since no one was around, Tom agreed. The old lady ran her hand down Tom's pants and felt of his balls. After 10 minutes, she said "You're 47".

Astonished, Tom said "Wow! That's exactly right. How did you know?"

The old lady said "I was in line behind you at Mcdonald's".
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on October 19, 2018, 08:03:18 AM
Kyle told his father "Dad! I found the right girl. I'm in love!"

The dad said "That's great son! Who is it?"
Kyle said "It's Lisa, the girl next door".

The dad said "Oh, son. I wish you hadn't told me that. You can't be in love with Lisa. Don't tell your mom this, but Lisa is your sister". Kyle was devastated, but promised not to tell mom.

A few days later Kyle told his dad "I'm in love again! It's Angela, who lives on the end of the block!"
Dad said "Son, I'm sorry. But Angela is also your sister".

Kyle was furious. Immediately he ran and told his mom what dad had done. His mom said "Honey, you can date whoever you want. Lisa and Angela aren't your sisters. Because dad isn't your father.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on October 19, 2018, 03:41:38 PM
I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old person receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.
•   Old People are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old People remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
•   Old People remember World War II, Pearl Harbor , Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
•   If you bump into an Old People on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Person on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old People trust strangers and are courtly to women.
•   Old People hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
•   Old People get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
•   Old People have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.
•   It's the Old People who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old People with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old People
Pass this on to all of the "Old People" you know.
I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on October 19, 2018, 07:09:31 PM
Amen brother Steve, amen. Some young'uns still treat "old people" with respect. Usually they are raised in a family with both a father and a mother. Often raised in a Christion family. They are encouraged to always do better. Stay in school, taught good work ethics, given strict allowance on the internet. Encouraged to participate in sports, scouts, band and maybe even theater. Perhaps even encouraged into the military. Citizenship and patronage are not foreign to them. Leadership skills are important, but of course not every child develops skills in the same way.

Most important, they are encouraged to ask grandpa and grandma what it was like... way back when.   
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on October 20, 2018, 08:06:47 AM
Big brother is 4 years old. Little brother is half his age. How old will little brother be when big brother is 100?

A doctor gives you 3 pills, and instructs you to take 1 every half hour. How long will it take you to consume all 3?

You have 2 items totaling $11. One item is $10 more than the other item. How much does each item cost?

You are sent to a well to fetch EXACTLY 4 gallons of water. All you have is a 5 gallon bucket and a 3 gallon bucket. How do you do it? No estimating allowed. Must be 4 gallons exactly.

You come to a river. You are carrying a fox, a chicken, and a bag of chicken feed. You can only carry one at a time as you swim across the river. You can't leave the fox alone with the chicken because he'll eat it. Likewise, you can't leave the chicken alone with the chicken feed. How do you do it?

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on October 20, 2018, 09:40:53 AM
There may be a simpler method but here is what I came up with

Fill the five gallon bucket. Pour 3 gallons into the 3 gallon bucket. Empty the 3 gallon bucket. This leaves two gallons in the 5 gallon bucket. Mark the two gallon point on the inside of the five gallon bucket. Empty the 2 gallons into the 3 gallon bucket. Fill the 5 gallon bucket to the 2 gallon mark. Pour the 2 gallons from the three gallon bucket into the five gallon bucket to make 4 gallons. 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on October 20, 2018, 11:00:22 PM
Here's a way to do it with no marking required.

Fill the 3 gallon bucket.
Transfer all 3 galons into the 5 gallon bucket.
Fill the 3 gallon bucket again.
Pour the 3 gallon bucket into the 5 gallon bucket until it is full. You will now have exactly 1 gallon remaining in the 3 gallon bucket.
Empty the 5 galon bucket.
Pour the 1 gallon from the 3 gallon bucket into the 5 gallon bucket.
Fill the 3 gallon  bucket and transfer it into the 5 gallon bucket that currently contains1 gallon.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Darren Henry on October 21, 2018, 08:38:36 AM
My initial reaction to the last question was "shore lunch". Eat the damned chicken and sell the feed. Problem solved!

But then I'd have to wait an hour to cross.

The new plan is to convince the fox to swim with me as I took the feed across and then come back for the chicken.

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on October 21, 2018, 09:24:38 AM
My initial reaction to the last question was "shore lunch". Eat the damned chicken and sell the feed. Problem solved!

But then I'd have to wait an hour to cross.

The new plan is to convince the fox to swim with me as I took the feed across and then come back for the chicken.

You swim across with the chicken first, place him on the other side, and swim back.

Then swim across with the fox. Put the fox down, pick up the chicken, and swim back.

Put the chicken down, pick up the chicken feed, and swim to the other side.

Put the chicken feed down on the other side with the fox, and swim back to fetch the chicken.

Of course, all of this is contingent on the fox or chicken not running away while left alone.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on October 23, 2018, 06:14:13 AM
Big brother is 4 years old. Little brother is half his age. How old will little brother be when big brother is 100?

* Based on average life expectencies, little brother is long dead when big brother is 100.

-----------------------------------------------------

A doctor gives you 3 pills, and instructs you to take 1 every half hour. How long will it take you to consume all 3?

* If taking 3 pills every half hour will make me feel better, then taking all 3 pills immediately would make me feel better even sooner. It takes me about 2 seconds to consume all 3 pills.

-------------------------------------------------------

You have 2 items totaling $11. One item is $10 more than the other item. How much does each item cost?

* In my state at 7% sales tax, a total of $11 means $10.28 for the 2 items and $.72 sales tax. Therefore, if one item is $10.00 more than the other item, then one item costs $10.14 and the other item costs $0.14.

-----------------------------------------------------------

You are sent to a well to fetch EXACTLY 4 gallons of water. All you have is a 5 gallon bucket and a 3 gallon bucket. How do you do it? No estimating allowed. Must be 4 gallons exactly.

* A gallon of water weighs 8.34 lbs, plus the weight of the two buckets. 4 gallons equals 33.4 lbs. plus the weight of the two buckets. I'm a furniture upholsterer and I need to be careful not to do anything that would hurt my back. So I would need to know how far I am going to carry 33.4 lbs. of water plus the weight of the two buckets before I would agree to fetch EXACTLY 4 gallons of water.

-----------------------------------------

You come to a river. You are carrying a fox, a chicken, and a bag of chicken feed. You can only carry one at a time as you swim across the river. You can't leave the fox alone with the chicken because he'll eat it. Likewise, you can't leave the chicken alone with the chicken feed. How do you do it?

* I swim across the river with the chicken and leave the fox and bag of chicken feed on the shore. The chicken claws and pecks at my face as I swim until I can't see from all the blood running in my eyes. In fear and desperation I drown the chicken just before I make it to the other shore. I then swim back and get the fox. I beat the fox to death with a rock so the fox can't eat away at my bloody face while I swim to the other shore with the fox. Then, leaving the dead fox with the dead chicken, I swim back and get the bag of chicken feed. Making it to the other shore with the bag of chicken feed, I then continue on my merry way having successfully crossed the river.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on October 23, 2018, 08:19:43 AM
If the fox didn't eat the chicken before you got to the river why worry he will eat it while crossing the river. I'd just take the bridge.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on November 02, 2018, 08:02:51 AM
A circus owner posts a help wanted ad for a new lion tamer.
The only 2 applicants that show up are a blonde and an old retired Navy Seal. 

The owner tells them "I'm not going to sugar coat it. The lion has eaten my last 2 tamers. All you can use is a whip, a chair, and a gun".

The blonde volunteered to go first. She walked right past the whip, chair, and gun and entered the cage. The angry lion began snarling and charged at her. Just as he got close, the blonde flung open her coat to reveal her beautiful naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks. He crawled up and began licking her all over, then laid at her feet.

The circus owner was amazed. He turned to the Navy Seal and asked "Well......can you top that?"

The grizzled old man said "Sure.......but first, you gotta get that damn lion outta there".
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on November 08, 2018, 11:02:04 AM
Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
 
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
 
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
 
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
 
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
 
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."
 
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,
 "Thank   you    very    much.    That    was    wonderful.
Now   listen   to   me   very,   very   closely:
 
"Are – my – test – results - back....!"
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on November 09, 2018, 09:01:39 AM
2 men died and went to heaven.

As they were waiting at the pearly gates, one man asked the other how he died.
He replied "I froze to death".

"Wow! That's horrible!" said the first man. "How did it feel to freeze to death?"

"Well" the second man replied. "First you shiver, then everything goes numb. Then you calmly die". "So how did YOU die?"

The first man explained "I was positive that my wife was having an affair. So I came home unexpectedly, only to find her sitting in a chair knitting. I ran to the basement, but found no one. Then I ran to the attic, and still found no one. At the top of the stairs, I stumbled and fell, striking my head and killing me".

"That's amazing" said the second man. "If you had only checked the freezer while you were in the basement, we'd BOTH still be alive".
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on November 09, 2018, 04:39:18 PM
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month..
 I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
 
I joined a health club last year and
spent about 400 bucks, but
haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and
we don't know where the hell he is

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
 
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
 We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
 
AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on November 09, 2018, 08:19:55 PM
I actually got home at 7:45 tonight. I spent an hour after work walking on the indoor track at my rec center. I've been walking 5 or 6 days a week for 50 to 60 minutes each time. I started in January of 2017. This January, 2018, I cut out processed foods and all sugar products. In the last 11 months I have lost 40 pounds. Last week I threw away my 44" waist pants and my 38" waist pants are a bit loose.

A customer told me about this book 3 years ago. It took about a year for me to get started, but I"m glad I did. Younger Next Year, by Chris Crowley

https://www.amazon.com/Younger-Next-Year-Strong-Beyond/dp/076114773X/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1541812565&sr=1-3&keywords=younger+next+year

gene

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on November 09, 2018, 10:40:20 PM
TWO CAJUN PASTORS.

Reverend Boudreaux was the part time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

‘Da End Is Near Turn YoSelf ‘Roun Afor It Be Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled. You religious nuts!

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, ‘Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay…

“Bridge Out”
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on November 10, 2018, 09:33:15 AM
Good job Gene - Keep up the regimen.  I read that it's never too late to start eating healthy + exercise  no matter how much you screwed up your diet before the body starts healing.
Every year the Dr. tells me to drop a few lbs and I do but can't stick with it.  I'm going to try again after Thankgiving, Christmas, and New Years
SA
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on November 10, 2018, 09:48:22 AM
My doctor told me that for every mile I run, I could add 21 minutes on the end of my life.
I replied "Yeah......but it takes me 22 minutes to run that mile, so what's the point?"
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on November 11, 2018, 08:58:45 AM
I saw George Burns at age 89 on a talk show. He was taking questions from the audience. A lady asked in a very condescending tone of voice, "What does your doctor say about you smoking all those cigars?"

George took a puff from his cigar and said, "My doctor's dead."

Thanks for the comments Steve. And I loved those old people exercise jokes you posted. 5 years ago I realized I had gotten old and fat. I resigned myself to never going wilderness canoeing again. Today I'm planning a canoe trip this Spring.

Last month I took my first Carnival Cruise. 7 days in the Caribbean. I went snorkeling 3 days and took hikes every day around 6 different islands. Two years ago I probably would not have even gone on the cruise, and if I had, I am certain I would have spend almost all the time on the ship or just walking around the port shops near the boat.

Our Standard American Diet is not helpful in growing old.

gene

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Mojo on November 15, 2018, 10:58:20 AM
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “It’s dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”

Man ~ “That’s nice.”

Boy ~ “Want to buy it?

Man ~ “No, thanks.”

Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”

Man ~ “OK, how much?”

Boy ~ “$250?

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy ~ “It’s dark in here.”

Man ~ “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy ~ “$750?

Man ~ “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy ~ “$1,000?


The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost.”

“I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “It’s dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on November 15, 2018, 11:51:08 AM
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic)  "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do.  Here are some of his gems:
 
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
 
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
 
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
 
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 
5 - 827% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
 
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
 
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
 
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
 
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
 
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
 
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
 
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
 
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
 
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
 
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
 
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
 
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
 
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
 
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
 
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
 
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
 
And the all-time favorite -
 
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights still work?
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on November 15, 2018, 10:25:51 PM
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Obama started 7 wars during his 8 years as president. He got a Nobel Peace Prize.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

My kids went to a private school and they had the Isaiah passage over the door to the gym. Each time we went into the gym for some school event I mentioned the jet engine line. I was always the only one who laughed.

Isaiah 40:31 They That Wait Upon The Lord, Shall Renew Their Strength, They Shall Mount Up With Wings of Eagles, They Shall Run and Not Be Weary

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on November 16, 2018, 08:58:40 AM
There was 4 inches of snow
Crews were out clearing the roads.

One man driving a snow plow noticed a car following him everywhere he went. He stopped to ask why.
A blonde rolled down her window, and explained that her husband told her to always follow a snow plow to insure that the road ahead of her was clear.

The snow plow driver said "That's very good advice. I'm finished with the Wal-Mart parking lot now. Wanna follow me over to Kroger?"
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on November 16, 2018, 10:00:49 AM
No matter your religious or military affiliation you gotta love this one!!
 
A U.S. Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Manitowish Waters, WI.
He says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever living stuffings out of a flag burning, cop hating, anti-Trump protester."
The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on November 16, 2018, 02:10:10 PM
867% of the posts on this forum are based on opinion.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on November 17, 2018, 07:06:18 AM
I saw that posting on the internet about the Marine years ago and when it came again recently on a Friday couldn't resist posting it here.  Two Sons are cops and one a Marine so I hope
 14 % of what I'd like to believe is factual although may not be - is true
Hat off to those brave folks who serve this Country
SA
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Mojo on November 18, 2018, 09:33:57 AM
Once a Marine, Always a Marine.

USMC 1st Bat 24th FMF  1975
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Mojo on November 18, 2018, 09:35:54 AM
An 85 year old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam.
 
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”
 
The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
 
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.
 
“Well doc, it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Thin I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
 
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on November 30, 2018, 10:59:24 AM
Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf
Club when a naked man wearing a
paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'

The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'

After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says,
'He's not even a member of this golf club'.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Mojo on December 03, 2018, 07:03:23 PM
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
 
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft surfaces, like a grass path."
 
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
 
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
 
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
 
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?"
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on December 03, 2018, 08:37:05 PM
Or fishing poles and a bait bucket. Sometimes its a pretty good hike to the river. I guess that's why we have no children.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on December 08, 2018, 01:21:15 PM
Twenty years ago, in Nashville, Tennessee, during the first week of January, 1996, more than 4,000 baseball coaches descended upon the Opryland Hotel for the 52nd annual ABCA's convention.
 
While I waited in line to register with the hotel staff, I heard other more veteran coaches rumbling about the line-up of speakers scheduled to present during the weekend.  One name, in particular, kept resurfacing, always with the same sentiment — “John Scolinos is here? Oh, man, worth every penny of my airfare.”
 
Who is John Scolinos, I wondered.  No matter; I was just happy to be there.
 
In 1996, Coach Scolinos was 78 years old and five years retired from a college coaching career that began in 1948.  He shuffled to the stage to an impressive standing ovation, wearing dark polyester pants, a light blue shirt, and a string around his neck from which home plate hung — a full-sized, stark-white home plate.
 
Seriously, I wondered, who is this guy?
 
After speaking for twenty-five minutes, not once mentioning the prop hanging around his neck, Coach Scolinos appeared to notice the snickering among some of the coaches.  Even those who knew Coach Scolinos had to wonder exactly where he was going with this, or if he had simply forgotten about home plate since he’d gotten on stage.
 
Then, finally ...“You’re probably all wondering why I’m wearing home plate around my neck,” he said, his voice growing irascible.
 
I laughed along with the others, acknowledging the possibility.
 
“I may be old, but I’m not crazy.  The reason I stand before you today is to share with you baseball people what I’ve learned in my life, what I’ve learned about home plate in my 78 years.”
 
Several hands went up when Scolinos asked how many Little League coaches were in the room.
 
“Do you know how wide home plate is in Little League?”
 
After a pause, someone offered, “Seventeen inches?”, more of a question than answer.
 
“That’s right,” he said  “How about in Babe Ruth’s day?  Any Babe Ruth coaches in the house?” Another long pause.
 
“Seventeen inches?” a guess from another reluctant coach.
 
“That’s right,” said Scolinos.  “Now, how many high school coaches do we have in the room?”
 
Hundreds of hands shot up, as the pattern began to appear.  “How wide is home plate in high school baseball?”
 
“Seventeen inches,” they said, sounding more confident.
 
“You’re right!” Scolinos barked.  “And you college coaches, how wide is home plate in college?”
 
“Seventeen inches!” we said, in unison.
 
“Any Minor League coaches here?  How wide is home plate in pro ball?”............“Seventeen inches!”
 
“RIGHT!  And in the Major Leagues, how wide home plate is in the Major Leagues?
 
“Seventeen inches!”
 
“SEV-EN-TEEN INCHES!” he confirmed, his voice bellowing off the walls.  “And what do they do with a Big League pitcher who can’t throw the ball over seventeen inches?”  Pause.  “They send him to Pocatello !” he hollered, drawing raucous laughter.  “What they don’t do is this: they don’t say, ‘Ah, that’s okay, Jimmy.  If you can’t hit a seventeen-inch target?  We’ll make it eighteen inches or nineteen inches.  We’ll make it twenty inches so you have a better chance of hitting it.  If you can’t hit that, let us know so we can make it wider still, say twenty-five inches.'”
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on December 08, 2018, 01:23:52 PM
Pause.  “Coaches... what do we do when your best player shows up late to practice? or when our team rules forbid facial hair and a guy shows up unshaven?  What if he gets caught drinking?  Do we hold him accountable?  Or do we change the rules to fit him?  Do we widen home plate?"
 
The chuckles gradually faded as four thousand coaches grew quiet, the fog lifting as the old coach’s message began to unfold.
 
He turned the plate toward himself and, using a Sharpie, began to draw something.
 
When he turned it toward the crowd, point up, a house was revealed, complete with a freshly drawn door and two windows.
 
“This is the problem in our homes today.  With our marriages, with the way we parent our kids.  With our discipline.
 
We don’t teach accountability to our kids, and there is no consequence for failing to meet standards.  We just widen the plate!”
 
Pause.
 
Then, to the point at the top of the house he added a small American flag.
 
“This is the problem in our schools today.  The   quality of our education is going downhill fast and teachers have been stripped of the tools they need to be successful, and to educate and discipline our young people.  We are allowing others to widen home plate!  Where is that getting us?”
 
Silence.
 
He replaced the flag with a Cross.  “And this is the problem in the Church, where powerful people in positions of authority have taken advantage of young children, only to have such an atrocity swept under the rug for years.  Our church leaders are widening home plate for themselves!  And we allow it.”
 
“And the same is true with our government.  Our so called representatives make rules for us that don’t apply to themselves. They take bribes from lobbyists and foreign countries.  They no longer serve us.  And we allow them to widen home plate! We see our country falling into a dark abyss while we just watch.”
 
I was amazed.  At a baseball convention where I expected to learn something about curve balls and bunting and how to run better practices, I had learned something far more valuable.
 
From an old man with home plate strung around his neck, I had learned something about life, about myself, about my own weaknesses and about my   responsibilities as a leader.  I had to hold myself and others accountable to that which I knew to be right, lest our families, our faith, and our society continue down an undesirable path.
 
“If I am lucky,” Coach Scolinos concluded, “you will remember one thing from this old coach today.  It is this: "If we fail to hold ourselves to a higher standard, a standard of what we know to be right; if we fail to hold our spouses and our children to the same standards, if we are unwilling or unable to provide a consequence when   they do not meet the standard; and if our schools & churches & our government fail to hold themselves accountable to those they serve, there is but one thing to look forward to ...”
 
With that, he held home plate in front of his chest, turned it around, and revealed its dark black backside, “...We have dark days ahead!.”
 
Note: Coach Scolinos died in 2009 at the age of 91, but not before touching the lives of hundreds of players and coaches,including mine.
 
Meeting him at my first ABCA convention kept me returning year after year, looking for similar wisdom and inspiration from other coaches.
 
He is the best clinic speaker the ABCA has ever known because he was so much more than a baseball coach.
 
His message was clear: “Coaches, keep your players—no matter how good they are—your own children, your churches, your government, and most of all, keep yourself at seventeen inches."
 
And this my friends is what our country has become and what is wrong with it today, and now go out there and fix it!
 
"Don't widen the plate."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on December 10, 2018, 10:28:50 AM
But if you do not widen home plate you might hurt the child's feelings. Shouldn't we just eliminate home plate all together so we have no limitations or restrictions that could result in someone not being able to play? PARTICIPATION TROPHIES FOR ALL!

gene
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on December 10, 2018, 12:58:38 PM
Major League Baseball took care of the problem many years ago.

Instead of widening the plate, they just narrowed the strike zone. Now, you have 9 happy batters, and a pitcher who will make 15 million a year if he can just keep his ERA under 4.50.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on December 14, 2018, 03:17:48 PM
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

#9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8  Life is sexually transmitted.

#7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


#6  Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't
tell them   apart If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a
sandwich.

#5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe
years unless you give them your email address.

#4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the
hospital, dying of nothing

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

#2  In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird, and people take  to make it normal.

#1  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a
burning issue tomorrow.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on December 14, 2018, 07:48:08 PM
#1 :)
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Mojo on December 17, 2018, 05:37:50 PM
We've heard medical colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
 
Here's the official distinction; straight from the Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
 
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with your buddies, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
 
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out your buddies, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

In either case both can be fatal.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on December 17, 2018, 07:36:26 PM
Mojo - too funny - even the ladies here have to laugh at that one !

Not as good as yours but ..........

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Mojo on December 17, 2018, 09:30:15 PM
Dang, that brought back some memories. I never understood as a kid why that poor box was also used as a means
of punishment. Me and a few buddies had to make donations a couple times. Once when we got caught in the Sacristy eating communion wafers and drinking communion wine.

We were hell on wheels and always in trouble.  LOL

Mojo
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on December 20, 2018, 03:35:00 PM
It Snowed Last Night.
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.
8:37 - Accused of using a black face on the snowman...snowpersons.
8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a f**king snowman...
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch a damn snowflakes.

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Virgs Sew n Sew on December 20, 2018, 06:35:45 PM
Wow Steve, sorry the world has evolved.  My clue and cue that I just don't fit here.  If you have to make fun of every damn thing in the world to make yourself feel good,  I'll not let the flippin' door hit me on my way out.

If I look up angry old white man in the dictionary, it would have your picture on it.   That is NOT a complement.


Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on December 20, 2018, 09:14:28 PM
>It is what this world has become because of a bunch a damn snowflakes.

There you go with that homophobic language again!

gene

PS: Now that's funny! LOL
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on December 20, 2018, 10:06:30 PM
Snowballs, now that's funny. I'm sure Steve did not make a snow man. I think he is trying to inject a little humor into this politically correct world. What would Jesus think? We all need to love one another, even if we disagree with them.

Being from Florida I'm not sure what is worse, snowballs or sandyballs.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on December 21, 2018, 05:22:58 AM
Virginia sorry you looked for content to be insulted by-
I didn't author the piece -
It's cut and paste jokes on a tab labeled "Humorous"
Don't judge me based on jokes posted that I shared and don't take humorous content to heart
lighten up
SA
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Virgs Sew n Sew on December 21, 2018, 07:09:55 AM
I will NOT lighten up.  Almost every one of your "jokes" are mysogenist, homophobic, racist, etc.  When it's thrown in your face, you don't have to go looking for it.

And you freakin' wonder why people don't post here anymore.  Perhaps most of the world doesn't look at it, like you and Gene do (angry old white men).  Enjoy spreading your racist, homophobic, mysogenist humor around.  There is no amount of information about upholstery that would make putting up with this shit worth while.

I will NEVER lighten up over this kind of bullshit.  I cannot believe the owners of the site put up with your "humor" -- shows they are just as bad as you are.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: MinUph on December 21, 2018, 07:45:32 AM
Bye
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on December 21, 2018, 09:16:48 AM
And you freakin' wonder why people don't post here anymore.

It has nothing to do with crude humor. This forum has been on a steady decline since the emergence of other social media such as Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.  All those outlets are replete with humor FAR more offensive than any of the jokes told here.

Just wondering. If Steve had posted a bunch of jokes that ONLY made fun of old white guys, would you have been so offended?

__________________________________________________________________________________

Steve, Gene, and Paul were all sitting around in the retirement home one evening.

Gene said "Well, it's way past my bedtime. It's almost 7:00. I better go to bed."
Gene headed upstairs to his room. Then he turned and yelled back downstairs to Steve and Paul. "Hey......I can't remember. Was I getting IN bed, or OUT of bed?"

Paul said "I'll go help him". Paul got halfway up the stairs, and turned back to ask Steve "Was I going UP the stairs? Or was I coming DOWN the stairs?"

Steve just rolled his eyes and said a little prayer. "Oh Lord, thank you for putting me here to take care of those two. I don't know what they would do without me. I just thank you and praise you every day that at my age, I still have all my wits about me........knock on wood..............Who IS-S-S-S it?"
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on December 21, 2018, 09:52:16 AM
Subject: Fwd: THOUGHTS FOR THINKERS



• Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
• What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
• If poison expires is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
• Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
• Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
• Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
• Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
• The word “swims” upside-down and backwards, is still “swims?"
• Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, and scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
• 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and  only the rich own horses.
• Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
• The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 probably died before he  did.
• If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When," you get the answer to each of them.
• Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
• If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
• If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It does fall on a Tuesday)
• 100 years ago a Twenty Dollar bill and a Twenty Dollar gold piece were interchangeable. Either  one would buy a new suit, new shoes and a night on the town. The Twenty Dollar gold  piece will still do that.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Inger-in-Norway on December 21, 2018, 01:39:55 PM
I had to google the word 'mysogenist', never heard it before.  Now that I know the meaning, I have to say that the jokes, especially that one Steve pulled, is not anyway biased, it 'abuses' every shade of 'political correctness' that you can think of, and I see no problem with that.
I'm a woman, kind of 'semi-feminist', and I have never felt uncomfortable with what has been written here. I start getting uncomfortable, though, when someone starts accusing the other group members of being racists, mysogenists etc. If someone can't tolerate a joke without calling the group members names, then I guess he/she knows where the 'door' is.
The 'Friday funnies' make my day (or perhaps I should say week), when I'm trawling this forum on behalf of the owner to keep it spam free.

And have a great Christmas, all of you!
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on December 21, 2018, 03:38:15 PM
I'll bet a dollar that if Virginia thought Steve and I were angry old black men she would not have said a word.

I do not like the jokes on this forum that I feel denigrate women and especially wives. I skip over them and move on. If I feel offended that is on me. I could say something, not say something, or not return to this forum. I chose to not say something as a normal course of being on the forum.

I am responsible for my own feelings. I refuse to give power over my feelings to other people. The only way you could trigger me is to have a gun or Roy Rogers' horse.

What were we talking about?

gene

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on December 21, 2018, 04:08:02 PM
I do not like the jokes on this forum that I feel denigrate women and especially wives. I skip over them

Damn Gene. Now you got me going back over 8 pages to see how many times we offended you.

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Darren Henry on December 22, 2018, 09:50:15 AM
I don;t know how things are in the states,but up here it has become ridiculous with "political correctness".Every time our prime minister  gets called to task for spending more on illegal immigrants than seniors or veterans etc... the opposition is called racist and discussion ends.  Every special interest group gets funding and big news about their uniqueness yet despite his campaign promises many of our first nations communities still don;t have potable water but we spend billion on foreign aid.

Personally I appreciate the satire that the  wrote and am not at all offended by Steve's sharing it. I actually had a good laugh.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on December 23, 2018, 04:54:29 PM
>Damn Gene. Now you got me going back over 8 pages to see how many times we offended you.

Just search "Steve A". That will save you a lot of time. LOL Now that's funny!

Since we are confessing our sins, I have been setting up a penis reference joke for many years on this forum. I have delivered the set up line many times. All I need is for someone to respond with the relevant question. And then BAMP! I can deliver the punch line. Of course, I will probably be the only one who finds it funny, but I've come to expect that. So far no one has taken the bait. I'll keep trying.

Here's an angry white man appropriately being put in his place. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAD-ky3TYQk

gene
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: MinUph on December 23, 2018, 05:55:02 PM
I am so tired of all the political correctness in this country and others. It justs seems to grow like the rest of the insanity. Maybe they are linked. No fun = hatred and dis-satisfied people. Have fun and lighten up. Humor is for enjoyment not meant to disrespect. All within normal reason anyway. It has become an issue to compliment someone of the opposite sex now. Why is it that we have to change everything we have been up until last year. It was all OK and still should be. I know its been longer than last year but I'm sure you get the point.
  Let bring in the new year with less political correctness and more fun. People if your "offended"by a joke or comment you don't have to participate but don't try to stifle others with your nonsense. Bring back the statues, compliments, and other things that make us human.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on December 24, 2018, 07:55:13 AM
A meant to be humorous post was derailed in a dust up last week.  A little over the line - I don't know ?????    I'm sorry if I hurt the feelings a long time member - the intention was to contribute not to offend.  In a perfect world that member could have sent me personal message or a slap on the wrist in public.  I never expected that member to go all Maxine Waters on me - sorry more bad humor :(

 I don't always think through every comment and post but the joy of this site is no one is here to judge.... rather to learn, advise,  poke fun, and talk about what others are doing in the trade.  This site has helped me greatly to improve my craft and seeing the anger put forth last week was a blow to my favorite place to be this site - not to me. 

I appreciate the comments and opinions by members posted after the occurrence - instilled that we're opinionated but supportive of each other in ways that you're not going to find on another site. 

When a post seems wrong we can decide among ourselves to continue it or delete it in a civilized way.   

SA
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on December 24, 2018, 09:46:59 AM
It's funny (in an ironic sort of way) that Steve's joke was poking fun at how overly-sensitive our society has become. And Virginia blew up in the same way as all the examples in the joke.

Where's "Bobbin" when we need her?
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Mojo on December 24, 2018, 11:02:11 PM
Wow. Gone a couple days and shit hits the fan. I have been busy and am sorry I have not had time to babysit all you ornerous old white men. All of you are getting a 10 minute time out. : )

I try and not post a lot of jokes because my sense of humor is off the charts and while I always try and go above and beyond to not step on others toes I know my sense of humor will piss someone off. So will my colorful language. I guess I just feel that being 60, a Marine, battling leukemia for years, I have reached the point where I personally don't give a rats ass. There are more pressing matters in life and if If she wants to take her toys and go play somewhere else, fine. At this stage in my life I try and be nice to people but if it isn't enough then they can kiss my white yankee born rear end.

Have ya'll hit that stage in life where you know you are on the back end of life and some things just do not seem important ? Like someone else's drama ? I am there. Life is short. Live it, love it, laugh and enjoy because our day is coming sooner then we want it to. Life was meant to live and enjoy and I find it hard to enjoy when you have to tip toe through the tulips in order not to offend someone.
If I do offend someone I apologize....... Then they can piss off.

I will leave you with this quote " The more I know about people...........The more I love my dogs ".

Merry Christmas ya'll. You too Steve. You old white heathen : )

Mojo

I knew it was a matter of time before Dennis bad habits would rub off on others. Damn Texans anyways.  lol
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on December 26, 2018, 04:29:32 PM

These came today in a email - no attribution from the sender but the jokes sound like Buddy Hacket was the comedian

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife does.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on December 26, 2018, 10:47:17 PM
I try and not post a lot of jokes...

If memory serves me you were the original founder of Friday Funny. Therefore I hold you fully responsible for Steve's off color joke's.

But seriously what happened to the good old days when someone was offended by an off color joke they would fire off an equally offensive joke aimed at the poster.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on December 27, 2018, 09:08:00 AM
I try and not post a lot of jokes...

If memory serves me you were the original founder of Friday Funny. Therefore I hold you fully responsible for Steve's off color joke's.

But seriously what happened to the good old days when someone was offended by an off color joke they would fire off an equally offensive joke aimed at the poster.

__________________________________________________________________________________

If memory serves ME, it was K-dog who submitted one of my favorite crude, offensive, tasteless jokes (cover your eyes Gene):


3 nuns were walking down the street. A man wearing nothing but a raincoat jumps out and flashes them.

2 of the nuns had a stroke right there on the spot.

The 3rd nun said "I don't care what y'all do. I'm not touching that thing!"
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on December 27, 2018, 07:31:21 PM
>(cover your eyes Gene)

I'm not Catholic so nun jokes don't offend me. But then, because I'm not Catholic I probably don't find them as funny as a Catholic would. :-)

Can I look now?

gene

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Mojo on December 27, 2018, 07:46:45 PM
Ed, you are correct. Years ago I started Mojo's Friday Funnies. Then Dennis took over and offended everyone with his Texas humor.
From there, history was made by all you grouchy old shallow white men. The torment never stopped. I keep telling ya'll " never trust a Texan ". : )

I created a lot of monsters over the years I reckon.  LOL

Steve, they are talking about us Catholics again. I am calling Virginia because I feel offended. : )

Mojo
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on December 28, 2018, 01:48:32 PM
Mojo - Peace be with you -  Keep sowing those seeds :) - Blessings to everyone here


Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
 
----------------------
Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
------------------------------
Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church..... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.. Maybe they'll do something for the creature..'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
-------------------------------

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'
---------------------
 
Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
--------------
 
Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
------------
 
Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down..'

-------------------
 
Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company... One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

--------------------------
 


Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on December 28, 2018, 01:52:39 PM


--------------------------
 
Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
 
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
 
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

Husbands are husbands

-------------------
 
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
 
'What was that for?' the man asked.
 
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
 
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
 
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
 
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
 
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
---------------------------
 
Let us pray.....................
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on December 28, 2018, 10:04:11 PM
Nothing here offended me so I'm good to go until next Friday.

gene

PS: Hey, being a horses a$$ does not come natural for me. I have to work at it. :-)
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on December 29, 2018, 12:52:50 PM
Gene why do we have to wait until next Friday ??????


 
 
 
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
 
 
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..
 
 
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
 
 
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

 
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

 
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

 
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

 
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.   It's called marriage.'

 
'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

                                                                                                                                           
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
 
 
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....


You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

 
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'



 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on December 29, 2018, 07:44:11 PM

24 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 

Okay so back to furniture repair. I have asked myself this question many times. And I have noticed if you keep the lid pushed down it will not clog. Neat.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on December 30, 2018, 11:01:10 AM
>Gene why do we have to wait until next Friday ??????

SteveA, it must be nice not to have to work at it. Ba Da Boom! LOL

Gene
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on December 31, 2018, 12:26:37 PM
Why does the glue stick to the neck and spout of the bottle and clog it up- I hate that - especially when i need to apply the glue ????
SA
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on December 31, 2018, 02:39:02 PM
I have noticed if you keep the lid pushed down it will not clog. Neat.
I always push the lid back down. But I swear somehow, every time I reach for the glue, that sumbitch is clogged. And it ALWAYS looks like the last guy that used it didn't push the lid down. I blame gremlins.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on January 01, 2019, 08:01:02 AM
Over the years I've driven myself crazy trying to invent a better mouse trap.  The glue bottles don't work.  I've also purchased the ones from rockler and woodworkers supply and just threw them away.  I've realized  two problems that are mostly out of control.  First when you're doing a glue up and time is precious to get the clamps on you might throw the bottle onto the work bench and it lays over on it's side. Glue puddles in the spout and thickens.   The second issue is that as the glue bottle goes from full to half full air causes the glue to be a little thicker defeating the mechanism in the tip. 
What I've been doing and seems to cause me less stress is as soon as I open up a new bottle - I cut the mechanism off completely.  I take the spout over to the 1 inch belt sander and sand off the lip and make the very tip into a conical shape.  Don't over do the sanding on the tip or make the edges too thin.  To cap the glue a cover from the epoxy bottle fits nicely or you can find the right size wire nut - drill out the insert and use that.  Now the tip is at least easy to clean because you can't defeat the clogged tip forever.
Keeping the bottle filled with glue also will help improve flow.
SA
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: MinUph on January 01, 2019, 11:34:56 AM
I pour my glue into a small glass jar and use brushes to spread with. The glue doesn't get too bad in here if it gets used in a reasonable amount of time. And it is just something I've always done. Glue squeeze bottles weren't always made. And they don't spread the glue evenly anyway.
  This doesn't really seem like a joke does it?
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on January 01, 2019, 01:31:41 PM
Last non joke post   here - wait a minute - can't help myself
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Glass sounds like a good alternative - except for me - clumsy and always rushing the bottles usually hit the floor.  I think Florida temps keep the glue flowing - here in NY I don't heat the shop 24 hours - another glue issue
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drink responsibly today - don't spill any !

SA
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on January 04, 2019, 12:52:44 PM
Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you're 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift...
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants. 
 
  At age 12 success is having friends. 

At age 16 success is having a drivers license.   
     
At age 20 success is having sex.   
 
At age 35 success is having money.   
 
At age 60 success is having money
 
At age 70 success is having sex.   

 At age 80 success is having a drivers license. 
 
 At age 85 success is having friends. 
     
 At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants. 
 
It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on January 11, 2019, 08:59:50 AM
A woman asks her husband "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?"
"No" said the husband.
She unbuttons her blouse, and pulls a crumpled $20 bill out of her lacy bra and gives it to him. He smiles.

Then she asks "Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?". Excitedly, the husband says no. So she lifts her skirt, and pulls a crumpled $50 bill out of her silk panties. By now, the husband is even more excited.

Then she asks "Have you ever seen $75,000 all crumpled up?"
"No! No!" replied the husband completely giddy with excitement.

"Well.........you better check the garage".
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on January 11, 2019, 07:41:38 PM


Then she asks "Have you ever seen $75,000 all crumpled up?"
"No! No!" replied the husband completely giddy with excitement.
.
Nice way to tell the hubby she wrecked the Mercedes. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I'll never have to worry about that.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on January 11, 2019, 08:25:15 PM
Then she asks "Have you ever seen $75,000 all crumpled up?"
"No! No!" replied the husband completely giddy with excitement.

I thought she was then going to shoot him and as his crumpled up dead body fell to the floor she would say something about his life insurance money.

gene
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on January 17, 2019, 10:17:25 AM
Robin went down to the batcave to start the batmobile.
The batmobile would not start.
Robin called Batman on the batphone and told him the batmobile would not start.
Batman told Robin to check the battery.
Robin said, "What's a tery?"


A young couple had been dating for awhile and both were enjoying the process of getting to know each other. One evening over dinner they were sharing their hopes and dreams about life. One said to the other, "What do you think will happen when we die?" The other one said, "Well, I think there will be a police investigation and they will rule it a murder/suicide."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on January 19, 2019, 01:44:10 PM
How to get to Heaven from Ireland - A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher
 
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
 
'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
 
'NO!' the children answered.
 
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
 
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
 
'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
 
Again, they all answered 'NO!'
 
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
 
A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE F---N' DEAD.'
 
It's a curious race, the Irish.  Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on January 21, 2019, 09:54:08 PM
The best boss I ever had was Irish. His last name was Finn. Here's his favorite Irish joke.

A Frenchman, a German, and an Irishman go into a bar. The Frenchman orders a glass of wine. The German orders a beer. The Irishman orders a whiskey.

They bring  the Frenchman his glass of wine. As he goes to take a sip, he sees that there is a fly in his wine. He screamed for the waiter and demands that they take the glass away and bring him a clean glass of wine without a fly in it.

They next bring the German his stein of beer. As he goes to take a sip, he sees that there is also a fly in his beer. He tilted his glass and flicks the fly out of the beer with his finger and takes a big drink of beer.

They then bring the Irishman his glass of whiskey. As he goes to take a drink, he too had a fly in his whiskey. He very gently picks the fly up out of the whiskey by it's back wings, being sure not to hurt the fly. As he gets the fly a bit above his glass, he started to shake the fly and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on January 25, 2019, 12:45:15 PM
An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
 
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
 
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no,... I never did dance... Never really wanted to."
 
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "well, you old hag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
 
The old woman prospector -- not wanting to get her toe blown off --started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
 
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
 
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
 
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
 
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
 
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "no m'am... But I’ve always wanted to.
 
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.


 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on January 28, 2019, 10:02:21 AM
One dark night at Christmas time at small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.


When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact. But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.


Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.


As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.


From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of
Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides.  It was a performance and effort never seen before.
 
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
 
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?



"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fixda brakes on dat freaking truck!


Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on January 30, 2019, 02:42:05 PM
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
 
Dear Granddaughter,
 
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
 
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
 
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
 
Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.
 
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
 
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
 
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
 
While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of God!”
 
“Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'”
 
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
 
Everyone started honking!
 
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
 
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
 
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
 
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
 
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
 
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
 
My grandson burst out laughing.. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
 
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
 
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
 
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
 
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
 
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
 
Will write again soon.
 
Love, Grandma
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on January 30, 2019, 09:03:35 PM
I will never look at a little old lady sitting through a green light the same way. God bless them.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on February 01, 2019, 08:38:11 PM
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, " Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39K a year and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."

gene
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on February 05, 2019, 10:58:50 AM
A JEWISH WIFE'S UNEXPECTED  ARRIVAL AT HOME

Yankele's wife Feige came home early and found Yankele in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Feige was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a Get (Jewish divorce) right away!’

And Yankele replied, 'Hang on just a minute Feige so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!’
And Yankele began -- 'Vell, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took rachmones [pity] on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the luckshen kugel I made for you last night, the food you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer outfit that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say it’s too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chanukah that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' Yankele took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on February 15, 2019, 02:23:05 PM
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."


 
A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mummy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

 
Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
 

The Sunday School Teacher asks,
“Now, Johnny, tell me honestly,  do you say prayers before eating?”
“No ma'am," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
 
 
 
And here is the best one -
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
>From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago"
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

 


 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on February 22, 2019, 11:47:29 AM
Very Interesting Predictions!
 
 
Auto repair shops will go away.
 
A gasoline engine has 20,000 individual parts. An electrical motor has 20. Electric cars are sold with lifetime guarantees and are only repaired by dealers. It takes only 10 minutes to remove and replace an electric motor. Faulty electric motors are not repaired in the dealership but are sent to a regional repair shop that repairs them with robots. Your electric motor malfunction light goes on, so you drive up to what looks like a Jiffy-auto wash, and your car is towed through while you have a cup of coffee and out comes your car with a new electric motor!
 
Gas stations will go away. Parking meters will be replaced by meters that dispense electricity.  Companies will install electrical recharging stations; in fact, they’ve already started. You can find them at select Dunkin Donuts locations.
 
Most (the smart) major auto manufacturers have already designated money to start building new plants that only build electric cars.
 
Coal industries will go away. Gasoline/oil companies will go away.  Drilling for oil will stop. So say goodbye to OPEC!
 
Homes will produce and store more electrical energy during the day and then they use and will sell it back to the grid. The grid stores it and dispenses it to industries that are high electricity users. Has anybody seen the Tesla roof?
 
A baby of today will only see personal cars in museums.
 
The FUTURE is approaching faster than most of us can handle.
 
In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide. Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went bankrupt. Who would have thought of that ever happening?
 
What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next  5-10 years and, most people don't see it coming.
 
Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later, you would never take pictures on  film again? With today’s smart phones, who even has a camera these days?
 
Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had  10,000 pixels, but followed Moore's law.  So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a time, before it became way superior and became mainstream in only a few short years. It will now happen again (but much faster) with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture and jobs.
 
Forget the book, “Future Shock”, welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution.
 
Software has disrupted and will continue to disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.
 
UBER is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and are now  the biggest taxi company in the world!
Ask any taxi driver if they saw that coming.
 
Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don't own any properties.
Ask Hilton Hotels if they saw that coming.
 
Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world.
This year, a computer beat the best Go-player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on February 22, 2019, 11:50:22 AM
In the USA, young lawyers already don't get jobs. Because of  IBM's Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for right now, the basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans. So, if you study law, stop immediately. There will be 90% fewer lawyers in the future, (what a thought!) only omniscient spets will remain.
 
Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, its 4 times more accurate than human nurses.
 
Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces better than humans. In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans
 
Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self-driving cars are already here. In the next 2 years, the entire industry will start to be disrupted. You won't want to own a car anymore as you will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination. You will not need to park it you will only pay for the driven distance and you can be productive while driving. The very young children of today will never get a driver's license and will never own a car.
 
This will change our cities, because we will need 90-95% fewer cars. We can transform former parking spaces into parks.
 
1.2 million people die each year in car accidents worldwide including distracted or drunk driving. We now have one accident every 60,000 miles; with autonomous driving that will drop to 1 accident in 6 million miles. That will save a million lives plus worldwide each year.
 
Most traditional car companies will doubtless become bankrupt. Traditional car companies will try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels.
 
Look at what Volvo is doing right now; no more internal combustions engines in their vehicles starting this year with the 2019 models, using all electric or hybrid only, with the intent of phasing out hybrid models.
 
Many engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; are completely terrified of Tesla and so they should be. Look at all the companies offering all electric vehicles. That was unheard of, only a few years ago.
 
Insurance companies will have massive trouble because, without accidents, the costs will become cheaper. Their car insurance business model will disappear.
 
Real estate will change. Because if you can work while you commute, people will move farther away to live in a more beautiful or affordable neighborhood.
 
Electric cars will become mainstream about 2030. Cities will be less noisy because all new cars will run on electricity.
Cities will have much cleaner air as well. (Can we start in Los Angeles, please?)
 
Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean.
 
Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can now see the burgeoning impact. And it’s just getting ramped up.
 
Fossil energy companies are desperately trying to limit access to the grid to prevent competition from home solar installations, but that simply cannot continue - technology will take care of that strategy.
 
Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year. There are companies who will build a medical device (called the "Tricorder" from Star Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood sample and you breath into it.  It then analyses 54 bio-markers that will identify nearly any Disease. There are dozens of phone apps out there right now for health purposes.
 
WELCOME TO TOMORROW – it actually arrived a few years ago.
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: MinUph on February 22, 2019, 08:21:14 PM
Steve, those posts were very very interesting to read and very true to boot. The world is evolving right under our noses and most dont even realize it is happening. Technology is a great thing. We need to embrace it.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on February 23, 2019, 09:40:51 AM
Just imagine what it was like for people when electricity and indoor plumbing became a part of the household. Well, I'm sure some on this forum can remember what it was like. :-)

Gene
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on February 23, 2019, 10:59:50 AM
At my age I can even remember before they had the little blue pill - shut up Gene -
It's crazy .....man walked on the moon over 40 years ago - they can freeze eggs for 10 years and make a baby from that in a test tube -
A nice sedan is $ 65,000 - I feel like HS was a few years ago and I'm almost ready for medicare. 

Nonetheless - it's a nice time in life to steer the ship  -  barring a few aches and pains of course -
SA
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on March 02, 2019, 10:00:49 AM
MONDAY
 
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that   her daughter was having sex.
 
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
 
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
 
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
 
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug   her mother, saying,   
 
“Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!  I'm dating Susan!”
TUESDAY
 
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.  He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.      Damned good!”
 
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.”
 
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
 
The preacher said, “No shit?”
WEDNESDAY
 
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.      With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
 
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.”
 
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
 
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
 
“Just take two,” Brenda replied  “The rest are for your father.”
THURSDAY
 
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
 
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
 
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
He could fly.”
FRIDAY
 
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa…
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
 
Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
 
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
 
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
SATURDAY
 
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
 
His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”  Bob replied, “Girlfriend?  She's my wife!”  They’re knocked over, but continue to ask:  “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?”  “I lied about my age,” Bob replied.  “What?  Did you tell her you were only 50?”
 
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
SUNDAY
 
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
 
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”  She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
 
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on March 07, 2019, 12:05:12 PM
A JEWISH WIFE'S UNEXPECTED  ARRIVAL AT HOME

Yankele's wife Feige came home early and found Yankele in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Feige was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a Get (Jewish divorce) right away!’

And Yankele replied, 'Hang on just a minute Feige so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!’
And Yankele began -- 'Vell, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took rachmones [pity] on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the luckshen kugel I made for you last night, the food you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer outfit that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say it’s too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chanukah that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' Yankele took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on March 15, 2019, 03:08:49 PM
-If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually
find me attractive.

-I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until
they're flashing behind you.

-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local
swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

-I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will
say, "Your password is incorrect."

-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

-I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate
all at once.

-If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

-Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually
expected?

-Take my advice — I'm not using it.

-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound
perspicacious.

-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a
computer.

-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is
gathering dust.

-Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

-I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your
pants.

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

-When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump
out of her way.

-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-He who laughs last thinks slowest.

-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

-I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

-I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
         
-I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

-Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

-If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

-Money is the root of all wealth.

-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on March 16, 2019, 06:54:58 AM
"Can I give you some advise because I'm not using it?" I use this line occasionally.

A young teenager had a very surprising day. First he found out he was adopted. Then he found out that both his dads were gay.

I wonder how many people actually use the password "incorrect"? I read years ago that "password" is a common password.

I have a friend who went skydiving for his first time on his 80th birthday. Last year he went skydiving for his second time on his 83 birthday. Tandem jumping both times. No joke. He really did. I asked him is he goes tandem because he's afraid he might forget to pull the rip cord. He said, "What were we talking about?" LOL

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on March 22, 2019, 08:12:10 AM
A man rolled into town very late one evening. All of the hotels were full.
At the last hotel at the end of the road, he begged the desk clerk to give him a room.

"Please, I'm exhausted. You've gotta have something. Anything. I'll take anything".

The clerk said "Well, we do have one bed in a double occupancy room. But I have to warn you. The guy snores very loudly. Nobody else has been able put up with it."

The man said "I don't care. I'll take it".

The next morning, the man came down to check out. He looked very energetic and well-rested.
The clerk asked him how he slept.

"Great!" said the man. "When I first entered the room, I went over and kissed the guy on the lips and said 'Good night beautiful'. He sat upright in bed and stared at me the rest of the night".
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on March 29, 2019, 11:15:34 AM
The following questions posed with answers from young folks

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs  (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery  (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death 

Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow  (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U  (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. 
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A When you are sick at the airport.  (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight  (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on April 05, 2019, 01:13:20 PM
A   young woman was about to finish her first year of  college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.
  She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years  harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
 One   day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.
The   self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
 He   responded by asking how she was doing in school.
 Taken   aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all
her time studying.
 Her   father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
 She   replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast.  She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
 Her   father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0.
 That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
 The   daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
 The   father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the conservative side of the fence."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on April 05, 2019, 04:22:24 PM
This was nice to listen to - our age group

http://biggeekdad.com/2013/01/the-best-of-times
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on April 12, 2019, 12:34:35 PM
> Letter to my BOSS
> >
> > I have enjoyed working here these past several years.  You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief.
> >
> > I Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my salary with increases until she or he dies, and a health plan that most people can only dream of having.
> >
> > Despite this, I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.  During this time, I will show up for work when it is convenient for me.  And in addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.
> >
> > Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be coming back with no loss in pay or status.  Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in this matter.  I can, and I will do this.
> >
> > Sincerely
> > Every Senator or Congressman running for President in 2020
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on April 19, 2019, 07:56:16 AM
A doctor tells a man that he only has 6 months to live.

The man asks "Is there anything I can do to live a little longer?"
The doctor says "Stop eating fried foods and sweets. No fast food of any kind. No alcohol or cigarettes. No drugs.  Go to bed by 7 every night. And most important......NO SEX!"

The man asks "How much longer will I live if I do all that?"

The doctor replies "Oh......you're still gonna die in 6 months. It'll just SEEM a lot longer".
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on April 19, 2019, 09:13:27 AM
Fried foods:

Years ago it was on a Youtube video of a county fair in Texas where I first saw someone eating deep fried butter. I haven't tried it but I have tried deep fried Twinkies and deep fried Oreo Cookies.

gene
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on April 20, 2019, 03:26:28 PM
Some of these apply to me but I think Paul you have me beat - Happy Easter to All !

•   We are the smallest group of children born since the early 1900s.
•   We are the last generation, climbing out of the depression, who can remember the winds of war and the impact of a world at war which rattled the structure of our daily lives for years.
•   We are the last to remember ration books for everything from gas to sugar to shoes to stoves.
•   We saved tin foil and poured fat into tin cans.
•   We saw cars up on blocks because tires weren't available.
•   We can remember milk being delivered to our house early in the morning and placed in the “milk box” on the porch.
•   We are the last to see the gold stars in the front windows of our grieving neighbors whose sons died in the War.
•   We saw the 'boys' home from the war, build their little houses.
•   We are the last generation who spent childhood without television; instead, we imagined what we heard on the radio.
•   We we all like to brag, with no TV, we spent our childhood "playing outside”.
•   There was no little league.
•   There was no city playground for kids.
•   The lack of television in our early years meant, for most of us, that we had little real understanding of what the world was like.
•   On Saturday afternoons, the movies gave us newsreels sandwiched in between westerns and cartoons.
•   Telephones were one to a house, often shared (party lines) and hung on the wall in the kitchen (no concerns about privacy).
•   Calculators were called Comptometers, they were hand cranked; typewriters were driven by pounding fingers, throwing the carriage, and changing the ribbon.
•   The 'INTERNET’ and ‘GOOGLE’ were words that did not exist.
•   Newspapers and magazines were written for adults and the news was broadcast on our radio in the evening by Gabriel Heatter and later Paul Harvey.
•   As we grew up, the country was exploding with growth.
•   The G.I. Bill gave returning veterans the means to get an education and spurred colleges to grow.
•   VA loans fanned a housing boom.
•   Pent up demand coupled with new installment payment plans opened many factories for work.
•   New highways would bring jobs and mobility.
•   Veterans joined civic clubs and became active in politics.
•   The radio network expanded from three stations to thousands.
•   Our parents were suddenly free from the confines of the depression and the war, and they threw themselves into exploring opportunities they had never imagined.
•   We weren't neglected, but we weren't today's all-consuming family focus.
•   They were glad we played by ourselves until the street lights came on.
•   They were busy discovering the post war world.
•   We entered a world of overflowing plenty and opportunity; a world where we were welcomed, enjoyed ourselves and felt secure in our future although depression poverty was deeply remembered.
•   Polio was still a crippler.
•   We came of age in the 50s and 60s.
•   The Korean War was a dark passage in the early 50s and by mid-decade school children were ducking under desks for Air-Raid training.
•   Russia built the “Iron Curtain” and  China became Red China.
•   Eisenhower sent the first 'Army Advisers' to Vietnam.
•   Castro took over in Cuba and Khrushchev came to power.
•   We are the last generation to experience an interlude when there were no threats to our homeland. The war was over and the cold war, terrorism, “global warming”, and perpetual economic insecurity had yet to haunt life with unease.
•   Only our generation can remember both a time of great war, and a time when our world was secure and full of bright promise and plenty. lived through both.
•   We grew up at the best possible time, a time when the world was getting better. not worse.
•   We are "The Last Ones"
•   More than 99% of us are either retired or deceased, and we feel privileged to have “lived in the best of  times”.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on April 26, 2019, 01:00:55 PM
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local horse racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry , but mostly to see the horses.
 
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher, and the boys would go with the other.
 
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
 
Having no other choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.  As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
 
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
 
"No, ma'am", he replied.  "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I really do appreciate your help."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on April 27, 2019, 07:31:58 AM
A man boards a city bus, and takes a seat right next to a woman who is breast feeding her baby.

The baby is being extremely fussy, and won't take the breast milk. The woman tells her baby "If you don't take it, I'm going to give it to this man sitting here".

The baby continues to fuss and refuse the breast milk, and again she warns "OK, if you won't take it, I'm going to give it to this man".

Finally the woman has had enough of the fussing and says "This is the last time I'm going to tell you......"

The man interrupts her and says "Lady, I wish you would make up your mind. I was supposed to get off 3 stops ago".
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on May 03, 2019, 06:49:04 AM
The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast
for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the king and the queen went fishing.
 On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey,
and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!”
In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
 The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.
He is an educated and experienced professional.
Besides, I pay him very high wages.
He gave me a very different forecast.
I trust him."
 So the king continued on his way.
However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky.
The King and Queen were totally soaked.
 Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.
I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain."
 So, the king hired the donkey.
 And thus, began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
 The practice is unbroken to this date.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on May 07, 2019, 10:59:55 AM
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on May 08, 2019, 11:06:35 AM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, and those who don't , and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand, Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom,  In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria."
 
In a number of carefully controlled trials , scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.
 
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
 
However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
 
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
 
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on May 10, 2019, 07:54:47 AM
Tommy was in danger of failing his college English class.

He had a big essay due at the end of the week, that would determine whether he passed or failed the course.
His professor suggested that he buy a Thesaurus to help punch up his essay.

He received a big fat F on his essay. His professor asked him why.

Tommy said "I didn't have enough money to buy a good thesaurus, so I bought a cheap one. Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible".
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on May 11, 2019, 08:35:50 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zL7QzIb7cRg
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on May 11, 2019, 10:22:59 AM
and you know how valued Barkley's analysis are - just don't ask him to predict a BB game outcome



What kind of mileage are you getting???
 

Gallons  --
 
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 5 years ago, you
Would have $49.00 today! If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman
Brothers 5 years ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
Beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would
Have received $214.00.  Based on the above, the best current investment
Plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

And as a bonus...A recent study found the average American walks about 900
Miles a year.  Another study found that on average Americans drink 22
Gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets
About 41 miles to the gallon!


Makes you damned proud to be an American!
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on May 17, 2019, 07:58:43 AM
A woman asks her husband "What would you like for breakfast? Bacon and eggs? Pancakes?"
The man replied "Sorry, I'm just not very hungry. It's the . I just don't have an appetite".

At lunch, she asks again "How about a sandwich? Or maybe we could order a pizza?"
Again, the husband tells her that the  has suppressed hi appetite.

Later that evening, she says "Well surely you're ready to eat supper. How about steak and potatoes with a big slice of apple pie?"
The husband responds "Sorry, but I'm still not hungry. This  has just totally killed my appetite".

The wife then says "Well would you mind getting off me then? I'm starved!"
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on May 21, 2019, 12:10:14 PM
*IRISH COMPASSION……
 
 
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
 
Three women from England, Scotland, and Ireland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
 
The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No'
so she gave him a hug and walked on.
 
The Scottish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, No,
so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
 
The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been f%*#ed lad?'*
 
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'no'.
 
She said, ‘Aye…..Ya will be when the tide comes in.
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on May 26, 2019, 07:12:36 AM
A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
 
"I'm divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My private parts are now the size of a 50-cent piece,
When it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."

Her mother says ......
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman!
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion!
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari!
You get $2,000 a week allowance!
You take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away
over 45 cents?"

NOW THAT'S A JEWISH MOTHER
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on June 01, 2019, 07:27:52 AM
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.  No way, no needles the man exclaims.  So she starts to hook up the nitrous oxide tank and the man says I can't do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me.  The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.  No he says, I'm fine with pills.  So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.  What are those he asks ?   she calmly replies.  I'll be damned said the man I didn't know  works as a pain killer.  It doesn't says the wise dentist but it will give you something to hold on to when i pull your tooth.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on June 14, 2019, 01:47:18 PM
                                                      Spell Check
 
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
 
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.
 

The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."
 
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.?? Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
 
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the
R!
We missed the
R!

We missed the bloody
R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was .
 
 
 
 
 
CELEBRATE!
 
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on June 21, 2019, 02:55:00 PM
When you are bored, just think about a few things that don't make sense ...like :
🤔
1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
🤔
2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
🤔
3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
🤔
4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
🤔
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
🤔
6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
🤔
7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"
🤔
8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
🤔
9. If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.
🤔
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on June 28, 2019, 11:23:56 AM

 - Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?
 -Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?
 - How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?
 - If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?
- If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
- How do you get off a non-stop Flight?
- Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?
- Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?
 -Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?
 - How come Noses run and Feet smell?
 - Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?
- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on June 29, 2019, 04:09:12 PM
- Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

Nothing to wonder about if you didn't much like the guy and he still put you in his will.
--------------------------
-Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?

Who would run like hell if a "Water-man" told you the building was on fire?
-------------------------


 When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

· A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

· I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on July 01, 2019, 12:39:32 PM
More things to think about ?

When I say " the other day" I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago

Job Interviewer: Tell me about yourself ...I'd rather not I really want this job

Cop "Please step out of the car"  Me ? I'm too drunk can you just get in ?

Can you remember getting up without sound effects gene ?

I had my patience tested - I'm negative ! 

When you asked me what I'm doing today and I say nothing - It does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing !

I hate when couples argue in public and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on ?

When someone asks what I did over the weekend I ask why what did you hear -

When you squat down are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can ? 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on July 02, 2019, 08:04:22 PM
Can you remember getting up without sound effects gene ?

I know a guy who blew his knee out by standing up from sitting on a chair.

I also know a guy who was on disability because he sneezed and he blew out a disk in his back.

I don't mind sound effects when I get up. I worry about getting up and hearing that sustained scream coming from me while waiting for the ambulance. "Help I've fallen and I can't get up" is no longer a sad commercial. It has become something to actually worry about.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on July 05, 2019, 09:00:49 AM
Choosing a wife:
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
 
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest bust.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on July 06, 2019, 11:14:20 AM
An Old Priest Lay Dying in a Hospital. For years he had faithfully
served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse
to come near. “Yes, Father?” said the nurse. “I would really like to
see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the
priest. “I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse. The nurse
sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word
arrived.

Chuck and Nancy were delighted to visit the priest. As they went
to the hospital, Chuck commented to Nancy “I don’t know why the old
priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy
couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy ‘s hand
in his right hand and Chuck’s hand in his left. There was silence and
a look of serenity on the old priest’s face. Finally Nancy spoke.
“Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose
us to be with you as you near the end?” The old priest slowly replied
“I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ.” The old priest continued... “He died between two lying
thieves. I would like to do the same."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on July 12, 2019, 12:00:11 PM
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on July 20, 2019, 07:00:28 AM
IRISH GHOST STORY
 
 
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
John Bradford, a  Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
 
The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
 
 
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... Only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.
 
 
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.  Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
 
 
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
 
 
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying ... And wasn't drunk.
 
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..
 
‘Look Paddy ... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on July 26, 2019, 12:39:06 PM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climb s the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on August 03, 2019, 03:07:21 PM
Deep Thoughts Of A Retired Man.
 
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
 
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
She then said that’s what you did yesterday—to which I replied—"I WASN’T DONE, SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."
 
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"  At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
 
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
 
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.  Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.  A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
 
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
 
I rest my case.  Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: kodydog on August 03, 2019, 08:26:25 PM
3 weeks ago I attended my brother-in-law and good friend retirement party. Today he posted on fb a comical retirement book he was reading. Your joke was a prefect response and when Rose read it she cracked up. Thanks for all the jokes Steve.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on August 04, 2019, 07:30:43 AM
A friend was wounded in Vietnam 3 times. He hurt his back 25 years ago and went on disability. The VA allowed him to become addicted to morphine because that was only way he could get pain relief. He had 2 or 3 surgeries for a brain tumor. One day at a picnic I mentioned how I had kidney stones one time. My friend lit up like a Christmas tree and started telling us all about how the worst pain he ever had was his kidney stones.

Every woman I have talked to who gave birth and also had kidney stones has said that the kidney stones were more painful.

No one has ever said "You know. I would like a few more kidney stones."

gene

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Mojo on August 04, 2019, 11:22:24 AM
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
 
"No, they went to town."
 
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
 
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
 
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
 
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
 
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on August 06, 2019, 11:40:20 AM
A little girl at the zoo was leaning over
the railing surrounding the lions’ cage.
Suddenly, one of the lions grabbed her by
the collar of her jacket and tried to pull
her through the bars into its cage.

As her shocked and fearful parents screamed
for help, a biker roared over on his Harley
and skidded to a stop right in front of them.
He jumped off his bike, ran up to the cage,
and hit the lion square on the nose with a
powerful punch. Whimpering from pain,
the lion jumped back and released the girl.

A reporter who coincidentally witnessed
the whole event came over and said to the
Harley rider, “Sir, that was the most gallant
and bravest thing I've ever seen.”

The biker replied, “Hell, it was nothing,
really. The lion was behind bars, I saw that
this little kid was in danger, and just reacted.”

The reporter said, “Well, I'm a journalist,
and I intend to make sure your courageous
act doesn't go unnoticed. This story will be
on the front page of tomorrow's paper!

“So tell me, what do you do for a living,
and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker answered, “I'm a proud U.S.
Marine, I’m a Republican, and I voted for
President Trump.”

The reporter thanked him for his service
and their brief interview, and left.

The following morning the biker bought a
paper to see if it indeed carried the story
of his brief encounter with the lion. True
to the journalist’s promise, the following
headline appeared on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS LION
IMMIGRANT, STEALS HIS LUNCH!”   
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on August 09, 2019, 01:08:50 PM
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.
The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.
The couple then produced photos of their 50 foot motor home, which was
clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would
receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor
who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French,
Mandarin, and computer skills.

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a
circus environment. "Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric
care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied.  They asked, "What age child are
you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter...... as long as the kid fits in the cannon.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on August 10, 2019, 12:23:09 PM
Boom! That's a joke you can catch with a net.

A comedian said "My wife and I decided we do not want to have any children. So, if anyone wants a 4 year old girl and a 2 year old boy..."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on August 15, 2019, 08:14:01 AM
Gene you're somewhat breaking the mold - wives + jokes -
Those one liners are the best e.g. Dangerfield -
SA
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: gene on August 15, 2019, 09:11:40 AM
SteveA, my wife won't let me tell jokes about wives. :-)

gene
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on August 16, 2019, 02:50:16 PM
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
    when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
   
    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to
    investigate.
   
    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
   
    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
    "We have to eat grass."
   
    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and

    I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
   
    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.

    They are over there, under that tree."
   
    "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
   
    Turning to the other poor man he stated,

    "You may come with us, also."
   
    The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,

    "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
   
    "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
   

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task,

    even for a car as large as the limousine.
   
    Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned

    to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind.

    Thank you for taking all of us with you."
   

    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

    You'll really love my place.

    The grass is almost a foot high."
   

   

    C'mon...did you really think there was such a thing

    as a heart warming lawyer story???
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on August 23, 2019, 04:22:08 PM
ROMANCE:
 
Betty was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Betty was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting...." 
 
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
 
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...." 
Mildly irritated, he reached across gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
 
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck...."
 
Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
 
"Where are you going?" Betty asked.
 
"To get my teeth!" 
 
 
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER:
 
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec-room at the retirement home. She holds herclenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
 
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
 
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." 
 
 
OLD FRIENDS:
 
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
 
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.
 
 
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
 
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
 
Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?" 
 
 
SENIOR DRIVING:
 
As a senior citizen was driving down the interstate, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"
 
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car, it's hundreds of them!" 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on August 30, 2019, 05:24:48 PM
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.
————————————————————————
Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
————————————————————————
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.
————————————————————————
Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
————————————————————————
Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.
————————————————————————
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
————————————————————————
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
————————————————————————
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on September 06, 2019, 11:19:03 AM
Some oldies - nothing new came through this week -

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her

 
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..

 
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

 
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

 
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

 
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
 

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
 
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.   It's called marriage.'

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
 
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.

 
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

 
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'




 

 
 

 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on September 13, 2019, 10:55:36 AM

I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy.

Jellyfish have survived 650 million years despite not having a brain - This gives so many people hope.

Frog Parking - All others will be Toad.

Growing your own tomatoes is the best way to devote 3 months of your life to saving $ 2.17.

I was visiting my Daughter last nite when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.  This is the 21st century she said we don't waste money on newspapers - here use my iPad.
I can tell you this - that fly never know what hit him.

Apart from being exhausted. financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown and being fat, everything is great ! Thanks

Never laugh at your wife's choices - you're one of them.

Guys I need your help - I'm in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me I'm right - What the hell do I do now ?

Be Honest - if people heard what you are thinking half of the time you would either be in jail or a mental hospital.

A balanced diet is important - milk chocolate + dark chocolate

Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on September 20, 2019, 10:19:03 AM
The pilot and the priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Dallas .."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn.
"I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father.
"That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here - we go by results," says Saint Peter.
"When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed. ”
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on September 27, 2019, 07:55:03 AM
A police officer spots a man driving down the street with his car loaded with penguins.
The officer pulls him over and says "You need to take those penguins to the zoo". The man says that he will comply with the officer's order.

The next day, the policeman sees the same man driving through town with the same load of penguins.
He pulls him over again and says "I thought I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo!"

The man replies "I did........and today I'm taking them to the movies".
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on September 27, 2019, 11:01:36 AM

 
Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
 
One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of  David.
 
Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
 
One day, a  procession came past, and it included His Holiness The Pope.
 
He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of  David.
 
After a few minutes, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?  This is a Catholic country.
 
"This city is the Seat of Catholicism.  People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.  In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
 
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Bernie, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
 
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on October 02, 2019, 03:32:21 PM
Newspaper Headlines - oldies !

Rangers get a whiff of Colon
Homicide victims rarely talk to police
Barbershop singers bring joy to school for the deaf
Bridges help people cross rivers
City unsure why sewer smells
17 remain dead in morgue shooting spree
Starvation can lead to health hazards
Man accuses of killing lawyer receives new attorney
Parents keep kids home to protest school closure
Hospitals resort to hiring doctors
Federal agents raid gun shop find weapons
Total lunar eclipse will be broadcast live on north woods public radio
Meeting on open meetings is closed
New sick policy requires 2 day notice
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25
Bug flying around with wings are flying bugs
Study shows frequent sex enhances pregnancy chances
Marijuana issue sent to a joint committee
Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800 lb ball on his head
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on October 04, 2019, 12:26:35 PM
How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.
 
Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer!
 
A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.
 
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
 
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
 
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
 
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
 
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
 
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
 
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
 
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'm sure I'd never met herbivore.
 
When chemists die, they barium.
 
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.
 
I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.
 
Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.
 
I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.
 
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
 
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
 
Broken pencils are pointless.
 
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.
 
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
 
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.  The police have nothing to go on.
 
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
 
Velcro - what a rip off!
 
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: sofadoc on October 11, 2019, 08:04:59 AM
The alarm went off at the prison where a midget inmate was trying to escape.
One of the guards said to his captain "Look! That midget is climbing down the outside of the fence"

The captain said "Well........that's a little con descending".










Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: Mojo on October 16, 2019, 07:52:36 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent."
Title: Re: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
Post by: SteveA on October 18, 2019, 04:50:45 PM
I put my Glock Model 21SF, 45 cal automatic pistol with laser sight on the table, right next to my kitchen door. I left its clip beside it; then, left it alone and went about my business.
While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail; the next door neighbor mowed the yard; a girl walked her dog down the street and quite a few cars stopped at the "stop" sign near the front of my house.
After about an hour, I checked on the gun; it was quietly sitting there, right where I had left it. It had not moved itself outside. It had not killed anyone. Certainly, even with the numerous opportunities it had presented to do that. In fact, it had not even loaded itself.
Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the hype by the left and their  media, about how dangerous guns are and "How They kill people". Either the media is wrong, or I'm in possession of the laziest gun in the world.
The United States is 3rd in murders throughout the world. But, if you take out just 5  cities: Chicago, Detroit, Washington DC, St Louis and New Orleans, the United States is 4th from the bottom, in the ENTIRE world, for murders.
These 5 cities are controlled by the left.
They also have the toughest gun control laws in the USA.
It would be absurd to draw any conclusions from this data, right?
Well, I'm off to check on my spoons. I hear they're making people fat!