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Topics - sofadoc

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 14
1
A husband and wife were dining at a fine restaurant one evening.
A beautiful woman walks up to the husband and kisses him and says "I'll see you later".

The wife (obviously outraged) demands to know who the woman was, and why she would kiss him.
The husband replies "Oh....that was my mistress".

The wife exclaims "That's it!!! I want a divorce!!!"

The husband says "OK.....but remember, you signed a pre-nup. If you divorce me, you lose the Chalet in France, all your jewelry, your credit cards.....everything".

As the wife is mulling this over, their friend Jim walks in with a strange woman.
She asks "Who's that woman with Jim?"
The husband replies "Oh, that's HIS mistress."

The wife says "Wow.....Jim's mistress isn't nearly as pretty as ours". 

2
General Discussion / Getting help from the customer (lifting)
« on: April 29, 2017, 11:26:37 AM »
Kodydog mentioned in another thread that him and Rose usually ask the customer to provide lifting help when loading or unloading at their home.

I do the same as much as possible. Especially since my regular helper ran afoul of the law, and is currently incarcerated.

But some things I've noticed about having the customer help:

1) The customer is usually the wife who volunteers her husband's services. The husband may, or may NOT be enthused about helping.

2) Sometimes it's an elderly lady who summons a grown son to come over to her house and help. Again, he may not be too terribly enthused about taking the time out of his busy life.

3) A teenage boy who REALLY REALLY REALLY is NOT enthused. In fact, if he is to help take the sofa out to the truck, he will first have to GET UP off of it. And he will take his ever lovin' sweet time in doing so.


I once watched a man scream at his wife while pointing his finger in her face that he will never help carry a sofa again. She flinched as if she expected him to hit her.

I usually have to wait around for a husband, son, or neighbor to show up and help. And they don't get in any hurry either.

Doesn't really matter anyway. Because even though the customer knew fully well that I was delivering her sofa, she never bothered to move her car out of the driveway. And the keys are nowhere to be found.

The wife usually fully understands that she is getting a price break for providing a helper. But the helper doesn't see it that way. He wonders why my price doesn't include a big crew of strapping burly men.

Many of the big retail furniture and appliance stores now only offer "driveway delivery".

3
General Discussion / YAFF
« on: January 06, 2017, 08:58:44 AM »
Yet another Friday Funny:

George finds out that he only has 24 hours to live. He says to his wife "Since I've only got 24 hours, do you think we could make love?".

His wife says "Of course dear, anything you want". So they make love. 6 hours later, he says "Since I've only got 18 hours left, do you think we could do it again?". His wife complies, and they make love again.

With only 12 hours to live, he asks her again, and again they make love, and he falls asleep.

He wakes up with only 4 hours left, and nudges his wife asking for one more lovemaking session.

His wife responds "Look honey......I've got to get up in the morning. You don't"!

4
General Discussion / Friday morning innard tickler
« on: June 17, 2016, 08:06:40 AM »
A man responds to an ad selling a champion bulldog.

The owner says "He's in the back yard, go take a look".
As the man inspects the dog, he commands "Speak boy, speak!". The dog says "OK, what do you want me to say?"

The man is astonished. "You mean you can talk?"

The dog says "Yeah, I learned how to talk when I was a pup". I used to work for the CIA as a spy. I traveled all over the world listening to enemy conversations. Since none of them knew that I could talk, they revealed valuable secrets to me. I eventually sired a litter of talking pups, and then went into retirement."

The man goes back around to the front and asks the dog's owner "So how much do you want for him?"
The owner says "Aw.......10 bucks". The man (surprised by the low asking price) says "Why so little for such a talented dog?"

The owner says "He's a bullshitter........he's never even been out of that back yard!"

5
General Discussion / A revelation or two
« on: May 21, 2016, 11:45:25 AM »
Bought a new washer and dryer. The old white ones still worked fine, but the missus wanted a set with all the whistles and bells, and a chic new color.

I hate trying to sell old appliances. If you're asking just 50 cents, they'll try to talk you down to a quarter. So the missus and I decided a long time ago that when we had stuff like that to get rid of, we'd rather find a needy family, and give it to them.

But my experience in giving my washer and dryer to a family in need has been a little frustrating. Most needy families are needy for a reason. I've learned this week that in order to help them by giving them useful appliances, you must be prepared to do the following things:

1. Deliver the appliances to them.
2. Install them.
3. Buy them some washing powder.
4. When the clothes are done washing, drive back to their house and move them over to the dryer.
5. When they're done drying, drive back to their house and hang them up (be sure to bring an ample supply of hangers with you).
6. Write them a check to cover the higher electric bill.
7. Don't be too terribly surprised if you see your old appliances through the window of a local pawn shop in the near future.

6
General Discussion / Fantastic Fabulous Friday Funny
« on: May 13, 2016, 08:52:02 AM »
A man and his 5 year old son were walking down the street when they came upon 2 dogs having sex.

The boy asks "Daddy, what are they doing?"

The man thinks quickly, and says "Well son, they're making a puppy".

Later that evening, the boy comes running into his parent's bedroom while they are in the middle of having sex. The boy asks "Daddy, what are you doing to Mommy?"

Not wanting to lie, the man says "Well son, we are making you a little brother or sister".

The boy says "Could you please turn Mommy over? I'd rather have a puppy".


7
General Discussion / Another weekend knee slapper
« on: March 18, 2016, 08:24:20 AM »
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a very attractive lady.
She notices that he keeps staring at his watch every few seconds.

Finally, she asks "Did your date stand you up?"
"Oh no" he replied. "This is a new state-of-the-art watch, and I'm just testing it".

"What's so state of the art about it?" she asked.
"Well, you see.......it scans the surroundings, and telepathically reports it's findings to me".

"Oh yeah?" She said. "So what did it tell you about me?"
"Well, according to my new state of the art high tech watch, you aren't wearing any panties".

The woman laughed and said "Well I'm afraid your watch is broken. Because I am definitely wearing panties".

"Damn!" the man exclaimed. "It's an hour fast!".

8
General Discussion / Another off-topic topic
« on: March 08, 2016, 12:45:03 PM »
In talking with my 29 year old daughter, I discovered that she knows absolutely nothing about OJ Simpson. She doesn't know who he was, or what the trial was even about. She was 8 when the trial took place.

BUT......she knows every tawdry detail about Monica Lewinsky. Both events were circa '95.

If you have any kids in that age group, it might be a fun game to play. Ask them about newsworthy events from their childhood that probably wasn't covered in a textbook.

9
A lonely elderly woman placed an ad in the local paper:

"Wanted-Husband. Must be in my age group (70's). Cannot hit me, or run around on me. And must be good in bed."

The next day, a man rang her doorbell. When she opened the door, she she finds a man with no arms or legs in a wheelchair.

"Surely you aren't here in response to my ad?" the woman asked.

The man said "Yes, I am". 

"But you don't have any arms" the woman continued.

He replied "That's right. So there's no way I can hit you".

"And no legs" she added.

"Exactly" he said. "I can't possibly run around on you".

The woman paused for a moment, and then asked "Well......are you good in bed?".

The man proudly leaned back in his wheelchair and said "I rang the doorbell didn't I ?"

10
The Business Of Upholstery / Vinyl jobs
« on: August 27, 2015, 05:06:35 PM »
Over the years, I've never done as much vinyl work as I have this year.

Just off the top of my head, I can think of at least 600 yards so far this year.

Hospital sofas, restaurant booth seats, patient exam tables, beauty shop/barber chairs, and other miscellaneous items.

For the most part, vinyl jobs are quick, easy, and my favorite.......profitable.

Sure, the mark-up on vinyl usually isn't what it is on cloth, and vinyl jobs have consumed a great deal of time that would've normally been spent on cloth work.
But that really doesn't really bother me, since most cloth jobs are COM anyway.

Are you furniture guys seeing a lot of vinyl work?

11
General Discussion / Something occurs to me
« on: June 25, 2015, 06:07:15 PM »
On the court house square around the corner from my shop, protesters are fighting for their rights by standing there all day waving Dixie flags. Some of them are circling the court house in their pickup trucks with giant flags strapped to the back.

The statement they're trying to make, is that the flag isn't about racism, but about heritage. I don't have a strong opinion either way. And even if I did, I don't have enough life force to argue the point.

But what occurs to me.........why is it that the only people fighting this cause are rednecks in old pickup trucks? I never see any well dressed businessmen in a Lexus waving the Dixie flag. 

12
The Business Of Upholstery / Written contracts
« on: June 22, 2015, 02:32:34 PM »
We've talked about them before. Many of you have carefully worded contracts that you make the customer sign. They spell out every last detail, so there is no misunderstanding about what the customer should expect for the price they pay.

I just paid $11K for a new roof on my building. The contract promised a 5 year warranty on workmanship.

The previous roof was a polyurethane foam. It had performed well for over 30 years. I was starting to get a few leaks during winter freeze thaws.

The guys that installed the new roofing covered it with the rubber/asphalt sheeting. They fuse the seams together with a blow torch. Everything was fine.....until it rained.

It turns out they covered over the old foam roof. The old foam expanded underneath when the sun came out. And it pushed the seams apart on the rubber sheeting.

They have been back twice (after 2 rains) and patched where the seams are pulling apart. Next rain.....more leaks.

I've talked to a lawyer. Even with a written guarantee, he can't promise that I'll win in court. Even if I do win, all that means is that there will be a judgement against him on the books. It doesn't mean I'll see any money.

My other option is to go on every possible website and give them a terrible review. That doesn't put any money back in my pocket either.

This roofing business has a very good longstanding reputation in the area. But a new owner has recently bought the business from the previous owner. So the previous reputation means nothing now.

If I sue him and win, or if I just give him bad reviews, he'll just re-open next week under a new name.

This is why I don't put much emphasis on written contracts for my business. They aren't worth the paper they're printed on. They only work with reputable people. And if you're dealing with reputable people, you don't need contracts.

13
General Discussion / Benefit of the doubt?
« on: April 08, 2015, 10:20:31 PM »
The deputy in this video used to work for me when he was in high school. He was a very polite, even tempered kid. One of the few good helpers that I've ever had. He actually had some potential to become a good upholsterer. But I couldn't offer him that opportunity, so he eventually moved on.

This video has caught nationwide attention. And most people that watch it have already tried and convicted him of repeatedly punching a pregnant woman. The video came from a home surveillance camera that only filmed in 30 second intervals, so only 1 punch is caught on camera. But it is reported that there were multiple punches.

He says that the woman had her hands clenched around his belt, and was getting dangerously close to his gun. So he was punching her hands to make her let go.

CPS officials had a warrant to remove an 18 month old child from the home because of recent domestic violence allegations. The woman was about a week away from having another child.

I known this young man since he was a kid, so I'm inclined to want to believe that his version is plausible. But law enforcement officers seldom fare well in the court of public opinion when these type of videos go viral.

Do you guys see any way that you could accept his version?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJuKlQF0meg


14
General Discussion / The whole town is buzzin'.......
« on: March 26, 2015, 09:45:27 AM »
.........about the new Nebraska Furniture Mart opening in the Dallas area.

At the bank where my wife works, all the employees and customers are giddy with excitement.
One girl has already picked out a leather sectional for $700.

They know that my wife is married to an upholsterer. So they ask her opinion. She just keeps her head down and says nothing. What would be the point? Anything she might say would only sound like sour grapes. Besides, they're already bedazzled by the advertised prices, so nothing that she could say would dissuade them.

If they don't buy their junk at NFM, they'll buy it somewhere else.

I've never been to one of those stores. Can some of you tell me anything about it? Do they have some decent stuff as well as the junk?

15
General Discussion / Counting couches
« on: March 26, 2015, 08:13:37 AM »
I have been hired to recover the patient room sofas at a nearby hospital.

The administrator took me to one of the rooms, showed me one sofa, and said "They're all just like this one". He didn't want to go from room to room disturbing patients.

After my bid was approved, I told him to let me know how many, so I could order the fabric.

3 different staffers attempted to count them........they couldn't do it. They came up with 3 very different answers. Finally, I had to go back and count them myself. It was really easy. I just went from room to room counting "one....two....three.....four...." and so on.

One nurse tried to help me count them, but she got distracted every 30 seconds by another staffer, or a patient. They all seemed annoyed, and couldn't really see the importance of giving me an accurate number.

I did notice however, that when it was time for one of the nurses to go get lunches for the other nurses, she was VERY diligent in taking their orders. Making sure there were no mistakes.

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