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sofadoc
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All types of upholstery.....except cars and boats.


« : January 06, 2017, 08:58:44 AM »

Yet another Friday Funny:

George finds out that he only has 24 hours to live. He says to his wife "Since I've only got 24 hours, do you think we could make love?".

His wife says "Of course dear, anything you want". So they make love. 6 hours later, he says "Since I've only got 18 hours left, do you think we could do it again?". His wife complies, and they make love again.

With only 12 hours to live, he asks her again, and again they make love, and he falls asleep.

He wakes up with only 4 hours left, and nudges his wife asking for one more lovemaking session.

His wife responds "Look honey......I've got to get up in the morning. You don't"!

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
SteveA
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Karma: +4/-1
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« #1 : January 06, 2017, 01:19:14 PM »

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
 
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
 
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
 
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
 
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
 
If people evolved from apes,
Why are there still apes?
 
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
 
Is there ever a day that mattresses
Are not on sale?
 

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
 
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
 
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
 
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
gene
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« #2 : January 06, 2017, 08:10:29 PM »

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

It would cost too much to have state or federal employees, and not be safe, for them to go through back alleys collecting dirty needles. It's cheaper to buy a pack of new needles. You don't use very many of them and they have a long shelf life
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? He's a transgender?
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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? He's allergic to revolvers. Kriptonite kills him and revolvers cause him to break out in hives. Kind of like poison ivy to us mere mortals.
 --------------------------------------------------
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? OSHA regulations.
 --------------------------------------------------
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? Daffy Duck
 -------------------------------------------------
If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes? Because we evolved from carrier pigeons.
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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? White privilege?
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Is there ever a day that mattresses Are not on sale? No. With 7 billion dollar annual sales, there are 34,900,000 mattresses sold each year. The only way to get that many sold is to have a sale every day.
 ---------------------------------------------------
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? They will open from the middle on your first try. The ends always take at least two tries.
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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? They are not dead when they get in. They get in alive and then they die.
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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? I don't know.
 ----------------------------------------------------
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? Women are just not very clever when it comes to thinking up degrading, condescending, immature jokes.
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Sofa D: I know people who, if in that type of situation, could say that punch line in a very serious, no pun intended way. Ouch!
« : January 06, 2017, 08:13:42 PM gene »

QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
byhammerandhand
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Karma: +0/-0
: 1925

"By hammer and hand, all arts do stand."


« #3 : January 06, 2017, 09:27:49 PM »


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

 
Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
 

A passenger in business class yelled back, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Keith

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." Thomas A. Edison
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