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: Friday funny  ( 534 )
gene
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« : February 23, 2018, 09:21:24 PM »

Earlier this week I finally made a holster for my scissors. It fits on my belt and I have my scissors by my side all the time. I wish I had done this years ago.

Today I'm standing by my cutting table trying to remember where I put my scissors. I could not figure out where I left them. I know I used them to cut a string on a sofa I just finished. But where did I put them.

OH! Maybe they somehow fell in the garbage can??? And as I went to bend over to look in the garbage can, yes, I found them, snug as a bug in a rug, in my new scissor holster hanging on my belt.

gene
« : February 23, 2018, 09:22:47 PM gene »

QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
kodydog
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« #1 : February 23, 2018, 10:14:38 PM »

Side dykes, staple puller and scissors on one side and staple gun on the other. Of course none of them are ever in my tool belt because every time I use them I set them down on my work bench. :)
« : February 23, 2018, 10:15:29 PM kodydog »

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
http://northfloridachair.com/index.html
65Buick
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« #2 : February 23, 2018, 10:16:57 PM »

Hey Gene! Wherya been? Looking for yer shears?
Mojo
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« #3 : February 24, 2018, 12:14:54 PM »

Kinda reminds me of looking for my reading glasses. Rip the place apart, retrace my steps and cannot find them. Then I scratch my head and BINGO....There they are. On top of my head. :)

I was in the shop and thought of something I needed to make sure I did so went into my office to write myself a note. Got in there, sat down at my desk and forget what the hell I was supposed to write down.

But the best one is when you do remember, write down a note and then forget where you put the note later.
Getting old sucks.

Mojo
SteveA
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« #4 : March 02, 2018, 09:50:07 AM »

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
 They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
 
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"
The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
65Buick
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« #5 : March 02, 2018, 01:31:22 PM »

Ouch! Rejected!
kodydog
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« #6 : March 02, 2018, 10:36:42 PM »


But the best one is when you do remember, write down a note and then forget where you put the note later.
Getting old sucks.

Mojo

The best part of getting old is being able to start a story saying, back when I was a your age...

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
http://northfloridachair.com/index.html
sofadoc
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All types of upholstery.....except cars and boats.


« #7 : March 09, 2018, 09:05:42 AM »

A man and a woman are undressing in front of each other for the first time.

As he takes off his shoes and socks, she notices that his toes are badly deformed. She asks "What happened to your toes?"
He tells her "I had a childhood disease called Tolio". She replies "Don't you mean Polio?"
"No" the man says. "Tolio. It only affects the toes".

Then as he pulls his pants down, she sees that his knees are badly discolored. So she asks what happened to them.
He says "I also had another childhood disease called Neasels".
"Don't you mean Measels?" she asks. "No......it's called Neasels because it only affects the knees".

Then he pulls off his boxers, and the woman bursts into laughter. "Don't tell me.....let me guess......Smallcox?"

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
SteveA
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« #8 : March 09, 2018, 12:26:13 PM »

     A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

    He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers,'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have heard about from odda girls.....Numbaa six nine .'

    More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'
sofadoc
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All types of upholstery.....except cars and boats.


« #9 : March 09, 2018, 12:28:22 PM »

Your Chinese accent is spot on.

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
65Buick
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« #10 : March 09, 2018, 02:27:51 PM »

*grooaaan*
SteveA
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« #11 : March 16, 2018, 01:31:09 PM »

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him &  said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
 
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday.
I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church.
So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
 
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
 
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
 
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
 
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
gene
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« #12 : March 16, 2018, 09:07:12 PM »

Thanks for the chuckle.




QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
SteveA
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« #13 : March 23, 2018, 01:24:18 PM »

A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.

After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words"

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He then whips out his wallet and puts ten - $10 bills in her outstretched hand.
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:  "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older).
gene
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« #14 : March 24, 2018, 04:15:25 PM »

My friend found out that his family is racist. He started dating an Asian lady. As they realized that they really liked each other a lot, he took her home to introduce her to his family. The kids totally ignored her and his wife told him to pack his bags and get out.

gene


QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
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