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: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)  ( 4377 )
sofadoc
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All types of upholstery.....except cars and boats.


« #120 : December 21, 2018, 04:08:02 PM »

I do not like the jokes on this forum that I feel denigrate women and especially wives. I skip over them

Damn Gene. Now you got me going back over 8 pages to see how many times we offended you.


"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
Darren Henry
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some days are better than others


« #121 : December 22, 2018, 09:50:15 AM »

I don;t know how things are in the states,but up here it has become ridiculous with "political correctness".Every time our prime minister  gets called to task for spending more on illegal immigrants than seniors or veterans etc... the opposition is called racist and discussion ends.  Every special interest group gets funding and big news about their uniqueness yet despite his campaign promises many of our first nations communities still don;t have potable water but we spend billion on foreign aid.

Personally I appreciate the satire that the  wrote and am not at all offended by Steve's sharing it. I actually had a good laugh.

Life is a short one way trip, don't blow it!Live hard,die young and leave no ill regrets!
gene
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« #122 : December 23, 2018, 04:54:29 PM »

>Damn Gene. Now you got me going back over 8 pages to see how many times we offended you.

Just search "Steve A". That will save you a lot of time. LOL Now that's funny!

Since we are confessing our sins, I have been setting up a penis reference joke for many years on this forum. I have delivered the set up line many times. All I need is for someone to respond with the relevant question. And then BAMP! I can deliver the punch line. Of course, I will probably be the only one who finds it funny, but I've come to expect that. So far no one has taken the bait. I'll keep trying.

Here's an angry white man appropriately being put in his place. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAD-ky3TYQk

gene

QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
MinUph
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Mainly furniture. Tarpon Springs Fl.


« #123 : December 23, 2018, 05:55:02 PM »

I am so tired of all the political correctness in this country and others. It justs seems to grow like the rest of the insanity. Maybe they are linked. No fun = hatred and dis-satisfied people. Have fun and lighten up. Humor is for enjoyment not meant to disrespect. All within normal reason anyway. It has become an issue to compliment someone of the opposite sex now. Why is it that we have to change everything we have been up until last year. It was all OK and still should be. I know its been longer than last year but I'm sure you get the point.
  Let bring in the new year with less political correctness and more fun. People if your "offended"by a joke or comment you don't have to participate but don't try to stifle others with your nonsense. Bring back the statues, compliments, and other things that make us human.

Paul
Minichillo's Upholstery
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SteveA
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« #124 : December 24, 2018, 07:55:13 AM »

A meant to be humorous post was derailed in a dust up last week.  A little over the line - I don't know ?????    I'm sorry if I hurt the feelings a long time member - the intention was to contribute not to offend.  In a perfect world that member could have sent me personal message or a slap on the wrist in public.  I never expected that member to go all Maxine Waters on me - sorry more bad humor :(

 I don't always think through every comment and post but the joy of this site is no one is here to judge.... rather to learn, advise,  poke fun, and talk about what others are doing in the trade.  This site has helped me greatly to improve my craft and seeing the anger put forth last week was a blow to my favorite place to be this site - not to me. 

I appreciate the comments and opinions by members posted after the occurrence - instilled that we're opinionated but supportive of each other in ways that you're not going to find on another site. 

When a post seems wrong we can decide among ourselves to continue it or delete it in a civilized way.   

SA
sofadoc
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All types of upholstery.....except cars and boats.


« #125 : December 24, 2018, 09:46:59 AM »

It's funny (in an ironic sort of way) that Steve's joke was poking fun at how overly-sensitive our society has become. And Virginia blew up in the same way as all the examples in the joke.

Where's "Bobbin" when we need her?

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
Mojo
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« #126 : December 24, 2018, 11:02:11 PM »

Wow. Gone a couple days and shit hits the fan. I have been busy and am sorry I have not had time to babysit all you ornerous old white men. All of you are getting a 10 minute time out. : )

I try and not post a lot of jokes because my sense of humor is off the charts and while I always try and go above and beyond to not step on others toes I know my sense of humor will piss someone off. So will my colorful language. I guess I just feel that being 60, a Marine, battling leukemia for years, I have reached the point where I personally don't give a rats ass. There are more pressing matters in life and if If she wants to take her toys and go play somewhere else, fine. At this stage in my life I try and be nice to people but if it isn't enough then they can kiss my white yankee born rear end.

Have ya'll hit that stage in life where you know you are on the back end of life and some things just do not seem important ? Like someone else's drama ? I am there. Life is short. Live it, love it, laugh and enjoy because our day is coming sooner then we want it to. Life was meant to live and enjoy and I find it hard to enjoy when you have to tip toe through the tulips in order not to offend someone.
If I do offend someone I apologize....... Then they can piss off.

I will leave you with this quote " The more I know about people...........The more I love my dogs ".

Merry Christmas ya'll. You too Steve. You old white heathen : )

Mojo

I knew it was a matter of time before Dennis bad habits would rub off on others. Damn Texans anyways.  lol
SteveA
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« #127 : December 26, 2018, 04:29:32 PM »


These came today in a email - no attribution from the sender but the jokes sound like Buddy Hacket was the comedian

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I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife does.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
kodydog
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North Central Florida


« #128 : December 26, 2018, 10:47:17 PM »

I try and not post a lot of jokes...

If memory serves me you were the original founder of Friday Funny. Therefore I hold you fully responsible for Steve's off color joke's.

But seriously what happened to the good old days when someone was offended by an off color joke they would fire off an equally offensive joke aimed at the poster.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
http://northfloridachair.com/index.html
sofadoc
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All types of upholstery.....except cars and boats.


« #129 : December 27, 2018, 09:08:00 AM »

I try and not post a lot of jokes...

If memory serves me you were the original founder of Friday Funny. Therefore I hold you fully responsible for Steve's off color joke's.

But seriously what happened to the good old days when someone was offended by an off color joke they would fire off an equally offensive joke aimed at the poster.

__________________________________________________________________________________

If memory serves ME, it was K-dog who submitted one of my favorite crude, offensive, tasteless jokes (cover your eyes Gene):


3 nuns were walking down the street. A man wearing nothing but a raincoat jumps out and flashes them.

2 of the nuns had a stroke right there on the spot.

The 3rd nun said "I don't care what y'all do. I'm not touching that thing!"

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
gene
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« #130 : December 27, 2018, 07:31:21 PM »

>(cover your eyes Gene)

I'm not Catholic so nun jokes don't offend me. But then, because I'm not Catholic I probably don't find them as funny as a Catholic would. :-)

Can I look now?

gene


QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
Mojo
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I'm Always In Trouble


« #131 : December 27, 2018, 07:46:45 PM »

Ed, you are correct. Years ago I started Mojo's Friday Funnies. Then Dennis took over and offended everyone with his Texas humor.
From there, history was made by all you grouchy old shallow white men. The torment never stopped. I keep telling ya'll " never trust a Texan ". : )

I created a lot of monsters over the years I reckon.  LOL

Steve, they are talking about us Catholics again. I am calling Virginia because I feel offended. : )

Mojo
 
SteveA
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« #132 : December 28, 2018, 01:48:32 PM »

Mojo - Peace be with you -  Keep sowing those seeds :) - Blessings to everyone here


Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
 
----------------------
Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
------------------------------
Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church..... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.. Maybe they'll do something for the creature..'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
-------------------------------

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'
---------------------
 
Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
--------------
 
Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
------------
 
Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down..'

-------------------
 
Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company... One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

--------------------------
 


SteveA
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« #133 : December 28, 2018, 01:52:39 PM »



--------------------------
 
Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
 
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
 
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

Husbands are husbands

-------------------
 
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
 
'What was that for?' the man asked.
 
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
 
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
 
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
 
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
 
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
---------------------------
 
Let us pray.....................
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk
gene
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« #134 : December 28, 2018, 10:04:11 PM »

Nothing here offended me so I'm good to go until next Friday.

gene

PS: Hey, being a horses a$$ does not come natural for me. I have to work at it. :-)

QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
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