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: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)  ( 4380 )
SteveA
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« #150 : January 25, 2019, 12:45:15 PM »

An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
 
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
 
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no,... I never did dance... Never really wanted to."
 
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "well, you old hag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
 
The old woman prospector -- not wanting to get her toe blown off --started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
 
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
 
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
 
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
 
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
 
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "no m'am... But I’ve always wanted to.
 
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.


 
SteveA
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« #151 : January 28, 2019, 10:02:21 AM »

One dark night at Christmas time at small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.


When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact. But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.


Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.


As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.


From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of
Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides.  It was a performance and effort never seen before.
 
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
 
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?



"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fixda brakes on dat freaking truck!


SteveA
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« #152 : January 30, 2019, 02:42:05 PM »

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
 
Dear Granddaughter,
 
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
 
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
 
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
 
Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.
 
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
 
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
 
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
 
While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of God!”
 
“Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'”
 
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
 
Everyone started honking!
 
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
 
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
 
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
 
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
 
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
 
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
 
My grandson burst out laughing.. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
 
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
 
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
 
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
 
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
 
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
 
Will write again soon.
 
Love, Grandma
kodydog
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« #153 : January 30, 2019, 09:03:35 PM »

I will never look at a little old lady sitting through a green light the same way. God bless them.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
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gene
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« #154 : February 01, 2019, 08:38:11 PM »

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, " Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39K a year and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."

gene

QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
SteveA
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« #155 : February 05, 2019, 10:58:50 AM »

A JEWISH WIFE'S UNEXPECTED  ARRIVAL AT HOME

Yankele's wife Feige came home early and found Yankele in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Feige was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a Get (Jewish divorce) right away!’

And Yankele replied, 'Hang on just a minute Feige so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!’
And Yankele began -- 'Vell, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took rachmones [pity] on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the luckshen kugel I made for you last night, the food you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer outfit that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say it’s too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chanukah that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' Yankele took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
SteveA
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« #156 : February 15, 2019, 02:23:05 PM »

"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."


 
A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mummy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

 
Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
 

The Sunday School Teacher asks,
“Now, Johnny, tell me honestly,  do you say prayers before eating?”
“No ma'am," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
 
 
 
And here is the best one -
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
>From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago"
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

 


 
SteveA
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« #157 : February 22, 2019, 11:47:29 AM »

Very Interesting Predictions!
 
 
Auto repair shops will go away.
 
A gasoline engine has 20,000 individual parts. An electrical motor has 20. Electric cars are sold with lifetime guarantees and are only repaired by dealers. It takes only 10 minutes to remove and replace an electric motor. Faulty electric motors are not repaired in the dealership but are sent to a regional repair shop that repairs them with robots. Your electric motor malfunction light goes on, so you drive up to what looks like a Jiffy-auto wash, and your car is towed through while you have a cup of coffee and out comes your car with a new electric motor!
 
Gas stations will go away. Parking meters will be replaced by meters that dispense electricity.  Companies will install electrical recharging stations; in fact, they’ve already started. You can find them at select Dunkin Donuts locations.
 
Most (the smart) major auto manufacturers have already designated money to start building new plants that only build electric cars.
 
Coal industries will go away. Gasoline/oil companies will go away.  Drilling for oil will stop. So say goodbye to OPEC!
 
Homes will produce and store more electrical energy during the day and then they use and will sell it back to the grid. The grid stores it and dispenses it to industries that are high electricity users. Has anybody seen the Tesla roof?
 
A baby of today will only see personal cars in museums.
 
The FUTURE is approaching faster than most of us can handle.
 
In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide. Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went bankrupt. Who would have thought of that ever happening?
 
What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next  5-10 years and, most people don't see it coming.
 
Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later, you would never take pictures on  film again? With today’s smart phones, who even has a camera these days?
 
Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had  10,000 pixels, but followed Moore's law.  So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a time, before it became way superior and became mainstream in only a few short years. It will now happen again (but much faster) with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture and jobs.
 
Forget the book, “Future Shock”, welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution.
 
Software has disrupted and will continue to disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.
 
UBER is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and are now  the biggest taxi company in the world!
Ask any taxi driver if they saw that coming.
 
Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don't own any properties.
Ask Hilton Hotels if they saw that coming.
 
Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world.
This year, a computer beat the best Go-player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected
 
SteveA
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« #158 : February 22, 2019, 11:50:22 AM »

In the USA, young lawyers already don't get jobs. Because of  IBM's Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for right now, the basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans. So, if you study law, stop immediately. There will be 90% fewer lawyers in the future, (what a thought!) only omniscient spets will remain.
 
Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, its 4 times more accurate than human nurses.
 
Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces better than humans. In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans
 
Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self-driving cars are already here. In the next 2 years, the entire industry will start to be disrupted. You won't want to own a car anymore as you will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination. You will not need to park it you will only pay for the driven distance and you can be productive while driving. The very young children of today will never get a driver's license and will never own a car.
 
This will change our cities, because we will need 90-95% fewer cars. We can transform former parking spaces into parks.
 
1.2 million people die each year in car accidents worldwide including distracted or drunk driving. We now have one accident every 60,000 miles; with autonomous driving that will drop to 1 accident in 6 million miles. That will save a million lives plus worldwide each year.
 
Most traditional car companies will doubtless become bankrupt. Traditional car companies will try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels.
 
Look at what Volvo is doing right now; no more internal combustions engines in their vehicles starting this year with the 2019 models, using all electric or hybrid only, with the intent of phasing out hybrid models.
 
Many engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; are completely terrified of Tesla and so they should be. Look at all the companies offering all electric vehicles. That was unheard of, only a few years ago.
 
Insurance companies will have massive trouble because, without accidents, the costs will become cheaper. Their car insurance business model will disappear.
 
Real estate will change. Because if you can work while you commute, people will move farther away to live in a more beautiful or affordable neighborhood.
 
Electric cars will become mainstream about 2030. Cities will be less noisy because all new cars will run on electricity.
Cities will have much cleaner air as well. (Can we start in Los Angeles, please?)
 
Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean.
 
Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can now see the burgeoning impact. And it’s just getting ramped up.
 
Fossil energy companies are desperately trying to limit access to the grid to prevent competition from home solar installations, but that simply cannot continue - technology will take care of that strategy.
 
Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year. There are companies who will build a medical device (called the "Tricorder" from Star Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood sample and you breath into it.  It then analyses 54 bio-markers that will identify nearly any Disease. There are dozens of phone apps out there right now for health purposes.
 
WELCOME TO TOMORROW – it actually arrived a few years ago.
 
MinUph
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« #159 : February 22, 2019, 08:21:14 PM »

Steve, those posts were very very interesting to read and very true to boot. The world is evolving right under our noses and most dont even realize it is happening. Technology is a great thing. We need to embrace it.

Paul
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gene
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« #160 : February 23, 2019, 09:40:51 AM »

Just imagine what it was like for people when electricity and indoor plumbing became a part of the household. Well, I'm sure some on this forum can remember what it was like. :-)

Gene

QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
SteveA
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« #161 : February 23, 2019, 10:59:50 AM »

At my age I can even remember before they had the little blue pill - shut up Gene -
It's crazy .....man walked on the moon over 40 years ago - they can freeze eggs for 10 years and make a baby from that in a test tube -
A nice sedan is $ 65,000 - I feel like HS was a few years ago and I'm almost ready for medicare. 

Nonetheless - it's a nice time in life to steer the ship  -  barring a few aches and pains of course -
SA
SteveA
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« #162 : March 02, 2019, 10:00:49 AM »

MONDAY
 
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that   her daughter was having sex.
 
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
 
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
 
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
 
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug   her mother, saying,   
 
“Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!  I'm dating Susan!”
TUESDAY
 
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.  He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.      Damned good!”
 
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.”
 
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
 
The preacher said, “No shit?”
WEDNESDAY
 
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.      With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
 
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.”
 
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
 
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
 
“Just take two,” Brenda replied  “The rest are for your father.”
THURSDAY
 
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
 
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
 
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
He could fly.”
FRIDAY
 
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa…
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
 
Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
 
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
 
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
SATURDAY
 
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
 
His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”  Bob replied, “Girlfriend?  She's my wife!”  They’re knocked over, but continue to ask:  “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?”  “I lied about my age,” Bob replied.  “What?  Did you tell her you were only 50?”
 
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
SUNDAY
 
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
 
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”  She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
 
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
SteveA
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« #163 : March 07, 2019, 12:05:12 PM »

A JEWISH WIFE'S UNEXPECTED  ARRIVAL AT HOME

Yankele's wife Feige came home early and found Yankele in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Feige was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a Get (Jewish divorce) right away!’

And Yankele replied, 'Hang on just a minute Feige so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!’
And Yankele began -- 'Vell, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took rachmones [pity] on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the luckshen kugel I made for you last night, the food you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer outfit that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say it’s too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chanukah that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' Yankele took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
SteveA
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« #164 : March 15, 2019, 03:08:49 PM »

-If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually
find me attractive.

-I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until
they're flashing behind you.

-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local
swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

-I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will
say, "Your password is incorrect."

-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

-I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate
all at once.

-If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

-Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually
expected?

-Take my advice — I'm not using it.

-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound
perspicacious.

-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a
computer.

-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is
gathering dust.

-Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

-I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your
pants.

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

-When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump
out of her way.

-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-He who laughs last thinks slowest.

-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

-I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

-I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
         
-I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

-Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

-If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

-Money is the root of all wealth.

-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.
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