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April 18, 2019, 06:19:38 AM
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| | |-+  End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
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: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)  ( 3689 )
gene
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« #165 : March 16, 2019, 06:54:58 AM »

"Can I give you some advise because I'm not using it?" I use this line occasionally.

A young teenager had a very surprising day. First he found out he was adopted. Then he found out that both his dads were gay.

I wonder how many people actually use the password "incorrect"? I read years ago that "password" is a common password.

I have a friend who went skydiving for his first time on his 80th birthday. Last year he went skydiving for his second time on his 83 birthday. Tandem jumping both times. No joke. He really did. I asked him is he goes tandem because he's afraid he might forget to pull the rip cord. He said, "What were we talking about?" LOL


QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
sofadoc
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All types of upholstery.....except cars and boats.


« #166 : March 22, 2019, 08:12:10 AM »

A man rolled into town very late one evening. All of the hotels were full.
At the last hotel at the end of the road, he begged the desk clerk to give him a room.

"Please, I'm exhausted. You've gotta have something. Anything. I'll take anything".

The clerk said "Well, we do have one bed in a double occupancy room. But I have to warn you. The guy snores very loudly. Nobody else has been able put up with it."

The man said "I don't care. I'll take it".

The next morning, the man came down to check out. He looked very energetic and well-rested.
The clerk asked him how he slept.

"Great!" said the man. "When I first entered the room, I went over and kissed the guy on the lips and said 'Good night beautiful'. He sat upright in bed and stared at me the rest of the night".

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
SteveA
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« #167 : March 29, 2019, 11:15:34 AM »

The following questions posed with answers from young folks

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs  (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery  (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death 

Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow  (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U  (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. 
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A When you are sick at the airport.  (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight  (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
 
SteveA
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« #168 : April 05, 2019, 01:13:20 PM »

A   young woman was about to finish her first year of  college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.
  She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years  harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
 One   day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.
The   self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
 He   responded by asking how she was doing in school.
 Taken   aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all
her time studying.
 Her   father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
 She   replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast.  She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
 Her   father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0.
 That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
 The   daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
 The   father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the conservative side of the fence."
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« #169 : April 05, 2019, 04:22:24 PM »

This was nice to listen to - our age group

http://biggeekdad.com/2013/01/the-best-of-times
SteveA
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« #170 : April 12, 2019, 12:34:35 PM »

> Letter to my BOSS
> >
> > I have enjoyed working here these past several years.  You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief.
> >
> > I Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my salary with increases until she or he dies, and a health plan that most people can only dream of having.
> >
> > Despite this, I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.  During this time, I will show up for work when it is convenient for me.  And in addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.
> >
> > Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be coming back with no loss in pay or status.  Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in this matter.  I can, and I will do this.
> >
> > Sincerely
> > Every Senator or Congressman running for President in 2020
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