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: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)  ( 218 )
sofadoc
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All types of upholstery.....except cars and boats.


« : May 18, 2018, 08:06:54 AM »

Bill and Tom were best friends. One was moving to Florida, the other was moving to Michigan. They made a promise to meet up every 10 years and have dinner.

At 30 years old, Bill asked Tom "Where do you want to go?" Tom quickly said "Hooters!"
"Why Hooters?" Bill asked. "Because they have good looking women with big racks" Tom replied.
"Sounds good" said Bill. So off to Hooters they went.

At 40, Bill asked again. Once again Tom said "Hooters".
"They have lots of TV's with all the games on".
So again they went to Hooters.

At 50, Tom said "Let's meet at Hooters. They have plenty of parking"

At 60, Tom said "Let's go to Hooters. The wings are half price before 5"

At 70, Tom wanted to meet at Hooters because they had handicapped parking spaces.

Finally at 80, Bill asked Tom where he wanted to meet. Tom said "Hooters".
Bill asked "Why Hooters?"
Tom replied "Because we've never been there before".
« : May 18, 2018, 10:58:32 AM sofadoc »

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
SteveA
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« #1 : May 18, 2018, 01:34:45 PM »

Sorry for the caps - it came to me this way

ROMANTIC TEXT MESSAGE
 
AN ELDERLY COUPLE LEARNED TO SEND TEXT MESSAGES ON THEIR MOBILE PHONES.

THE WIFE, A RETIRED COLLEGE ENGLISH INSTRUCTOR WITH EMPHASIS ON THE CLASSICS, WAS AN UNAPOLOGETIC ROMANTIC; HER HUSBAND, A RETIRED SALTY NAVY CHIEF PETTY OFFICER OF THIRTY YEARS' SERVICE, WAS A NO-NONSENSE GUY.

ONE AFTERNOON THE WIFE WENT TO THE LOCAL STARBUCK'S TO MEET A FRIEND FOR COFFEE.  WHILE AWAITING HER FRIEND'S ARRIVAL, SHE EXERCISED HER NEW SKILL BY SENDING HER HUSBAND A ROMANTIC TEXT MESSAGE:
 
"IF YOU ARE SLEEPING, SEND ME YOUR DREAMS.  IF YOU ARE LAUGHING, SEND ME YOUR SMILE. IF YOU ARE EATING, SEND ME A BITE.  IF YOU ARE DRINKING, SEND ME A SIP. IF YOU ARE CRYING, SEND ME YOUR TEARS. I LOVE YOU."

THE HUSBAND RESPONDED:  "I'M TAKIN' A CRAP.   PLEASE ADVISE."

ALMOST BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYES.

gene
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« #2 : May 18, 2018, 05:53:40 PM »

True story. It was on the internet.

A girl got a text from her mom. It said, "Aunt Thelma has died. She will be missed by all of us. LOL Mom."

The girl quickly called her mom and said she was sorry to hear about Aunt Thelma. She then asked her mom what LOL meant. Her mom said "Lot's of love." The girl then told her mom what it really means. Her mom panicked and said she had to go so she could call all the people she sent that text to explain her mistake.

QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
sofadoc
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All types of upholstery.....except cars and boats.


« #3 : May 25, 2018, 08:25:02 AM »

A world famous cardiologist died. All of his colleagues attended his funeral.

The coffin was shaped like a giant open heart. As they began to lower it into the ground, the heart closed up.

One of the attendees began laughing. When he noticed all the disapproving stares, he apologized.

"I'm sorry", he said "I was just picturing my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist".

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
SteveA
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« #4 : June 08, 2018, 10:09:47 AM »

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol
 
 
Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.
 
Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol:
 
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
 
What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
 
Here's her story in her own words:
 
 
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
 
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible.  His life insurance was a big bonus!”
kodydog
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« #5 : June 08, 2018, 01:08:13 PM »

I can hear the husband when she pulled out the gun, you think your going to kill that beast with that little gun? :)
« : June 08, 2018, 01:08:49 PM kodydog »

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
http://northfloridachair.com/index.html
SteveA
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« #6 : June 14, 2018, 11:33:56 AM »

Yes, the new one is out! The brand new edition of You know you're a *******  when...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
 
SteveA
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« #7 : June 15, 2018, 11:32:37 AM »

The Cynical Philosopher   
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.  Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
 ♦When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
 ♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.  We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.  I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

 ♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.  I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.”  If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.  I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
 ♦ Money can’t buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.  Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.  The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk
kodydog
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North Central Florida


« #8 : June 15, 2018, 07:12:05 PM »

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "did you bring the money?"

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
http://northfloridachair.com/index.html
kodydog
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North Central Florida


« #9 : June 15, 2018, 07:41:47 PM »


♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.


No Joke. The neighborhood kids are always up to something. One day two grade school girls stopped by asking for donations for the school because the drinking water wasn't working. They needed money to buy bottled water. I thought this odd, couldn't their mother send water to school with them? I told them Rose has all the money and she's not here right now.

I wish I had thought of just giving them a jug of tap water. Lol


There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
http://northfloridachair.com/index.html
gene
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« #10 : June 15, 2018, 09:43:42 PM »

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Try spending a few weeks in an old cabin in Northern Canada in the summer. That can of Raid is on the kitchen table when you are in the kitchen. It is in the bedroom when you are in the bed room. It goes with you down the trail when you need to use the double header, if you are lucky enough to have a double header.

Jeff Foxworthy: You know you are a redneck when your front porch collapses and kills at least 5 dogs. You know you are a redneck when your mom doesn't even take the cigarette out of her mouth to tell the State Trooper to kiss her a$$.

There was a nice picture of a young couple walking down a country road going through the woods for a day hike. He said, "This road is kind of creepy." She said, "Yes. It's going to be scary walking back by myself."

Thanks for the variety of wit and humor.

gene


QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
SteveA
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« #11 : June 19, 2018, 09:51:37 AM »

. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
 
2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
 
3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
 
4. Why do we say something is out of whack?   What is a whack?
 
5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
 
6 Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
 
7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
 
8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
 
9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
 
10. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
 
11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
 
12.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
 
13. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
 
14. Why is "phonetic" not spelled the way it sounds?
 
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
 
16 If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
 
17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
 
18. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
 
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
 
20 Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
 when you know the batteries are dead?
 
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
 
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
 
23. Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren't we clean when we use them?
 
24 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
 
26. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree
and eat candy out of your socks?
 
27.  Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
gene
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« #12 : June 19, 2018, 09:42:16 PM »

I don't know.

QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
SteveA
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« #13 : June 20, 2018, 11:53:08 AM »

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's  temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!

How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says:
"The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
baileyuph
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« #14 : June 20, 2018, 06:14:55 PM »

Good one!

Could be good advice for me too!

Wink,

Doyle
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