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: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)  ( 6175 )
gene
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« #165 : March 16, 2019, 06:54:58 AM »

"Can I give you some advise because I'm not using it?" I use this line occasionally.

A young teenager had a very surprising day. First he found out he was adopted. Then he found out that both his dads were gay.

I wonder how many people actually use the password "incorrect"? I read years ago that "password" is a common password.

I have a friend who went skydiving for his first time on his 80th birthday. Last year he went skydiving for his second time on his 83 birthday. Tandem jumping both times. No joke. He really did. I asked him is he goes tandem because he's afraid he might forget to pull the rip cord. He said, "What were we talking about?" LOL


QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
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« #166 : March 22, 2019, 08:12:10 AM »

A man rolled into town very late one evening. All of the hotels were full.
At the last hotel at the end of the road, he begged the desk clerk to give him a room.

"Please, I'm exhausted. You've gotta have something. Anything. I'll take anything".

The clerk said "Well, we do have one bed in a double occupancy room. But I have to warn you. The guy snores very loudly. Nobody else has been able put up with it."

The man said "I don't care. I'll take it".

The next morning, the man came down to check out. He looked very energetic and well-rested.
The clerk asked him how he slept.

"Great!" said the man. "When I first entered the room, I went over and kissed the guy on the lips and said 'Good night beautiful'. He sat upright in bed and stared at me the rest of the night".

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
SteveA
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« #167 : March 29, 2019, 11:15:34 AM »

The following questions posed with answers from young folks

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs  (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery  (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death 

Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow  (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U  (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. 
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A When you are sick at the airport.  (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight  (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
 
SteveA
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« #168 : April 05, 2019, 01:13:20 PM »

A   young woman was about to finish her first year of  college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.
  She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years  harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
 One   day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.
The   self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
 He   responded by asking how she was doing in school.
 Taken   aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all
her time studying.
 Her   father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
 She   replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast.  She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
 Her   father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0.
 That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
 The   daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
 The   father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the conservative side of the fence."
SteveA
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« #169 : April 05, 2019, 04:22:24 PM »

This was nice to listen to - our age group

http://biggeekdad.com/2013/01/the-best-of-times
SteveA
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« #170 : April 12, 2019, 12:34:35 PM »

> Letter to my BOSS
> >
> > I have enjoyed working here these past several years.  You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief.
> >
> > I Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my salary with increases until she or he dies, and a health plan that most people can only dream of having.
> >
> > Despite this, I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.  During this time, I will show up for work when it is convenient for me.  And in addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.
> >
> > Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be coming back with no loss in pay or status.  Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in this matter.  I can, and I will do this.
> >
> > Sincerely
> > Every Senator or Congressman running for President in 2020
sofadoc
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All types of upholstery.....except cars and boats.


« #171 : April 19, 2019, 07:56:16 AM »

A doctor tells a man that he only has 6 months to live.

The man asks "Is there anything I can do to live a little longer?"
The doctor says "Stop eating fried foods and sweets. No fast food of any kind. No alcohol or cigarettes. No drugs.  Go to bed by 7 every night. And most important......NO SEX!"

The man asks "How much longer will I live if I do all that?"

The doctor replies "Oh......you're still gonna die in 6 months. It'll just SEEM a lot longer".

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
gene
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« #172 : April 19, 2019, 09:13:27 AM »

Fried foods:

Years ago it was on a Youtube video of a county fair in Texas where I first saw someone eating deep fried butter. I haven't tried it but I have tried deep fried Twinkies and deep fried Oreo Cookies.

gene

QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
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« #173 : April 20, 2019, 03:26:28 PM »

Some of these apply to me but I think Paul you have me beat - Happy Easter to All !

•   We are the smallest group of children born since the early 1900s.
•   We are the last generation, climbing out of the depression, who can remember the winds of war and the impact of a world at war which rattled the structure of our daily lives for years.
•   We are the last to remember ration books for everything from gas to sugar to shoes to stoves.
•   We saved tin foil and poured fat into tin cans.
•   We saw cars up on blocks because tires weren't available.
•   We can remember milk being delivered to our house early in the morning and placed in the “milk box” on the porch.
•   We are the last to see the gold stars in the front windows of our grieving neighbors whose sons died in the War.
•   We saw the 'boys' home from the war, build their little houses.
•   We are the last generation who spent childhood without television; instead, we imagined what we heard on the radio.
•   We we all like to brag, with no TV, we spent our childhood "playing outside”.
•   There was no little league.
•   There was no city playground for kids.
•   The lack of television in our early years meant, for most of us, that we had little real understanding of what the world was like.
•   On Saturday afternoons, the movies gave us newsreels sandwiched in between westerns and cartoons.
•   Telephones were one to a house, often shared (party lines) and hung on the wall in the kitchen (no concerns about privacy).
•   Calculators were called Comptometers, they were hand cranked; typewriters were driven by pounding fingers, throwing the carriage, and changing the ribbon.
•   The 'INTERNET’ and ‘GOOGLE’ were words that did not exist.
•   Newspapers and magazines were written for adults and the news was broadcast on our radio in the evening by Gabriel Heatter and later Paul Harvey.
•   As we grew up, the country was exploding with growth.
•   The G.I. Bill gave returning veterans the means to get an education and spurred colleges to grow.
•   VA loans fanned a housing boom.
•   Pent up demand coupled with new installment payment plans opened many factories for work.
•   New highways would bring jobs and mobility.
•   Veterans joined civic clubs and became active in politics.
•   The radio network expanded from three stations to thousands.
•   Our parents were suddenly free from the confines of the depression and the war, and they threw themselves into exploring opportunities they had never imagined.
•   We weren't neglected, but we weren't today's all-consuming family focus.
•   They were glad we played by ourselves until the street lights came on.
•   They were busy discovering the post war world.
•   We entered a world of overflowing plenty and opportunity; a world where we were welcomed, enjoyed ourselves and felt secure in our future although depression poverty was deeply remembered.
•   Polio was still a crippler.
•   We came of age in the 50s and 60s.
•   The Korean War was a dark passage in the early 50s and by mid-decade school children were ducking under desks for Air-Raid training.
•   Russia built the “Iron Curtain” and  China became Red China.
•   Eisenhower sent the first 'Army Advisers' to Vietnam.
•   Castro took over in Cuba and Khrushchev came to power.
•   We are the last generation to experience an interlude when there were no threats to our homeland. The war was over and the cold war, terrorism, “global warming”, and perpetual economic insecurity had yet to haunt life with unease.
•   Only our generation can remember both a time of great war, and a time when our world was secure and full of bright promise and plenty. lived through both.
•   We grew up at the best possible time, a time when the world was getting better. not worse.
•   We are "The Last Ones"
•   More than 99% of us are either retired or deceased, and we feel privileged to have “lived in the best of  times”.
SteveA
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« #174 : April 26, 2019, 01:00:55 PM »

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local horse racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry , but mostly to see the horses.
 
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher, and the boys would go with the other.
 
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
 
Having no other choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.  As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
 
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
 
"No, ma'am", he replied.  "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I really do appreciate your help."
sofadoc
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« #175 : April 27, 2019, 07:31:58 AM »

A man boards a city bus, and takes a seat right next to a woman who is breast feeding her baby.

The baby is being extremely fussy, and won't take the breast milk. The woman tells her baby "If you don't take it, I'm going to give it to this man sitting here".

The baby continues to fuss and refuse the breast milk, and again she warns "OK, if you won't take it, I'm going to give it to this man".

Finally the woman has had enough of the fussing and says "This is the last time I'm going to tell you......"

The man interrupts her and says "Lady, I wish you would make up your mind. I was supposed to get off 3 stops ago".

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
SteveA
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« #176 : May 03, 2019, 06:49:04 AM »

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast
for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the king and the queen went fishing.
 On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey,
and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!”
In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
 The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.
He is an educated and experienced professional.
Besides, I pay him very high wages.
He gave me a very different forecast.
I trust him."
 So the king continued on his way.
However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky.
The King and Queen were totally soaked.
 Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.
I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain."
 So, the king hired the donkey.
 And thus, began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
 The practice is unbroken to this date.
SteveA
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« #177 : May 07, 2019, 10:59:55 AM »

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
SteveA
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« #178 : May 08, 2019, 11:06:35 AM »

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, and those who don't , and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand, Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom,  In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria."
 
In a number of carefully controlled trials , scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.
 
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
 
However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
 
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
 
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
sofadoc
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« #179 : May 10, 2019, 07:54:47 AM »

Tommy was in danger of failing his college English class.

He had a big essay due at the end of the week, that would determine whether he passed or failed the course.
His professor suggested that he buy a Thesaurus to help punch up his essay.

He received a big fat F on his essay. His professor asked him why.

Tommy said "I didn't have enough money to buy a good thesaurus, so I bought a cheap one. Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible".

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
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