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: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)  ( 6874 )
gene
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« #180 : May 11, 2019, 08:35:50 AM »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zL7QzIb7cRg

QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
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« #181 : May 11, 2019, 10:22:59 AM »

and you know how valued Barkley's analysis are - just don't ask him to predict a BB game outcome



What kind of mileage are you getting???
 

Gallons  --
 
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 5 years ago, you
Would have $49.00 today! If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman
Brothers 5 years ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
Beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would
Have received $214.00.  Based on the above, the best current investment
Plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

And as a bonus...A recent study found the average American walks about 900
Miles a year.  Another study found that on average Americans drink 22
Gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets
About 41 miles to the gallon!


Makes you damned proud to be an American!
sofadoc
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All types of upholstery.....except cars and boats.


« #182 : May 17, 2019, 07:58:43 AM »

A woman asks her husband "What would you like for breakfast? Bacon and eggs? Pancakes?"
The man replied "Sorry, I'm just not very hungry. It's the . I just don't have an appetite".

At lunch, she asks again "How about a sandwich? Or maybe we could order a pizza?"
Again, the husband tells her that the  has suppressed hi appetite.

Later that evening, she says "Well surely you're ready to eat supper. How about steak and potatoes with a big slice of apple pie?"
The husband responds "Sorry, but I'm still not hungry. This  has just totally killed my appetite".

The wife then says "Well would you mind getting off me then? I'm starved!"

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
SteveA
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« #183 : May 21, 2019, 12:10:14 PM »

*IRISH COMPASSION……
 
 
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
 
Three women from England, Scotland, and Ireland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
 
The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No'
so she gave him a hug and walked on.
 
The Scottish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, No,
so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
 
The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been f%*#ed lad?'*
 
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'no'.
 
She said, ‘Aye…..Ya will be when the tide comes in.
 
SteveA
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« #184 : May 26, 2019, 07:12:36 AM »

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
 
"I'm divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My private parts are now the size of a 50-cent piece,
When it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."

Her mother says ......
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman!
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion!
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari!
You get $2,000 a week allowance!
You take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away
over 45 cents?"

NOW THAT'S A JEWISH MOTHER
 
SteveA
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« #185 : June 01, 2019, 07:27:52 AM »

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.  No way, no needles the man exclaims.  So she starts to hook up the nitrous oxide tank and the man says I can't do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me.  The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.  No he says, I'm fine with pills.  So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.  What are those he asks ?   she calmly replies.  I'll be damned said the man I didn't know  works as a pain killer.  It doesn't says the wise dentist but it will give you something to hold on to when i pull your tooth.
SteveA
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« #186 : June 14, 2019, 01:47:18 PM »

                                                      Spell Check
 
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
 
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.
 

The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."
 
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.?? Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
 
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the
R!
We missed the
R!

We missed the bloody
R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was .
 
 
 
 
 
CELEBRATE!
 
 
SteveA
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« #187 : June 21, 2019, 02:55:00 PM »

When you are bored, just think about a few things that don't make sense ...like :
🤔
1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
🤔
2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
🤔
3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
🤔
4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
🤔
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
🤔
6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
🤔
7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"
🤔
8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
🤔
9. If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.
🤔
SteveA
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« #188 : June 28, 2019, 11:23:56 AM »


 - Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?
 -Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?
 - How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?
 - If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?
- If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
- How do you get off a non-stop Flight?
- Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?
- Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?
 -Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?
 - How come Noses run and Feet smell?
 - Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?
- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?
gene
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« #189 : June 29, 2019, 04:09:12 PM »

- Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

Nothing to wonder about if you didn't much like the guy and he still put you in his will.
--------------------------
-Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?

Who would run like hell if a "Water-man" told you the building was on fire?
-------------------------


 When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

· A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

· I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.


QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
SteveA
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« #190 : July 01, 2019, 12:39:32 PM »

More things to think about ?

When I say " the other day" I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago

Job Interviewer: Tell me about yourself ...I'd rather not I really want this job

Cop "Please step out of the car"  Me ? I'm too drunk can you just get in ?

Can you remember getting up without sound effects gene ?

I had my patience tested - I'm negative ! 

When you asked me what I'm doing today and I say nothing - It does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing !

I hate when couples argue in public and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on ?

When someone asks what I did over the weekend I ask why what did you hear -

When you squat down are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can ? 
gene
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« #191 : July 02, 2019, 08:04:22 PM »

Can you remember getting up without sound effects gene ?

I know a guy who blew his knee out by standing up from sitting on a chair.

I also know a guy who was on disability because he sneezed and he blew out a disk in his back.

I don't mind sound effects when I get up. I worry about getting up and hearing that sustained scream coming from me while waiting for the ambulance. "Help I've fallen and I can't get up" is no longer a sad commercial. It has become something to actually worry about.

QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!
SteveA
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« #192 : July 05, 2019, 09:00:49 AM »

Choosing a wife:
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
 
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest bust.
SteveA
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« #193 : July 06, 2019, 11:14:20 AM »

An Old Priest Lay Dying in a Hospital. For years he had faithfully
served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse
to come near. “Yes, Father?” said the nurse. “I would really like to
see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the
priest. “I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse. The nurse
sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word
arrived.

Chuck and Nancy were delighted to visit the priest. As they went
to the hospital, Chuck commented to Nancy “I don’t know why the old
priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy
couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy ‘s hand
in his right hand and Chuck’s hand in his left. There was silence and
a look of serenity on the old priest’s face. Finally Nancy spoke.
“Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose
us to be with you as you near the end?” The old priest slowly replied
“I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ.” The old priest continued... “He died between two lying
thieves. I would like to do the same."
SteveA
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« #194 : July 12, 2019, 12:00:11 PM »

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”
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