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October 21, 2019, 01:29:04 AM
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| | |-+  End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)
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: End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)  ( 6837 )
SteveA
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« #210 : September 13, 2019, 10:55:36 AM »


I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy.

Jellyfish have survived 650 million years despite not having a brain - This gives so many people hope.

Frog Parking - All others will be Toad.

Growing your own tomatoes is the best way to devote 3 months of your life to saving $ 2.17.

I was visiting my Daughter last nite when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.  This is the 21st century she said we don't waste money on newspapers - here use my iPad.
I can tell you this - that fly never know what hit him.

Apart from being exhausted. financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown and being fat, everything is great ! Thanks

Never laugh at your wife's choices - you're one of them.

Guys I need your help - I'm in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me I'm right - What the hell do I do now ?

Be Honest - if people heard what you are thinking half of the time you would either be in jail or a mental hospital.

A balanced diet is important - milk chocolate + dark chocolate

SteveA
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« #211 : September 20, 2019, 10:19:03 AM »

The pilot and the priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Dallas .."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn.
"I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father.
"That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here - we go by results," says Saint Peter.
"When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed. ”
sofadoc
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All types of upholstery.....except cars and boats.


« #212 : September 27, 2019, 07:55:03 AM »

A police officer spots a man driving down the street with his car loaded with penguins.
The officer pulls him over and says "You need to take those penguins to the zoo". The man says that he will comply with the officer's order.

The next day, the policeman sees the same man driving through town with the same load of penguins.
He pulls him over again and says "I thought I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo!"

The man replies "I did........and today I'm taking them to the movies".
« : September 27, 2019, 01:13:56 PM sofadoc »

"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
SteveA
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« #213 : September 27, 2019, 11:01:36 AM »


 
Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
 
One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of  David.
 
Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
 
One day, a  procession came past, and it included His Holiness The Pope.
 
He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of  David.
 
After a few minutes, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?  This is a Catholic country.
 
"This city is the Seat of Catholicism.  People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.  In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
 
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Bernie, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
 
SteveA
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« #214 : October 02, 2019, 03:32:21 PM »

Newspaper Headlines - oldies !

Rangers get a whiff of Colon
Homicide victims rarely talk to police
Barbershop singers bring joy to school for the deaf
Bridges help people cross rivers
City unsure why sewer smells
17 remain dead in morgue shooting spree
Starvation can lead to health hazards
Man accuses of killing lawyer receives new attorney
Parents keep kids home to protest school closure
Hospitals resort to hiring doctors
Federal agents raid gun shop find weapons
Total lunar eclipse will be broadcast live on north woods public radio
Meeting on open meetings is closed
New sick policy requires 2 day notice
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25
Bug flying around with wings are flying bugs
Study shows frequent sex enhances pregnancy chances
Marijuana issue sent to a joint committee
Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800 lb ball on his head
SteveA
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« #215 : October 04, 2019, 12:26:35 PM »

How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.
 
Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer!
 
A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.
 
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
 
Haunted French pancakes give me the crępes.
 
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
 
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
 
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
 
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
 
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
 
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'm sure I'd never met herbivore.
 
When chemists die, they barium.
 
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.
 
I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.
 
Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.
 
I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.
 
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
 
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
 
Broken pencils are pointless.
 
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.
 
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
 
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.  The police have nothing to go on.
 
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
 
Velcro - what a rip off!
 
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
sofadoc
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All types of upholstery.....except cars and boats.


« #216 : October 11, 2019, 08:04:59 AM »

The alarm went off at the prison where a midget inmate was trying to escape.
One of the guards said to his captain "Look! That midget is climbing down the outside of the fence"

The captain said "Well........that's a little con descending".











"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban
Mojo
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I'm Always In Trouble


« #217 : October 16, 2019, 07:52:36 AM »

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent."
SteveA
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« #218 : October 18, 2019, 04:50:45 PM »

I put my Glock Model 21SF, 45 cal automatic pistol with laser sight on the table, right next to my kitchen door. I left its clip beside it; then, left it alone and went about my business.
While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail; the next door neighbor mowed the yard; a girl walked her dog down the street and quite a few cars stopped at the "stop" sign near the front of my house.
After about an hour, I checked on the gun; it was quietly sitting there, right where I had left it. It had not moved itself outside. It had not killed anyone. Certainly, even with the numerous opportunities it had presented to do that. In fact, it had not even loaded itself.
Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the hype by the left and their  media, about how dangerous guns are and "How They kill people". Either the media is wrong, or I'm in possession of the laziest gun in the world.
The United States is 3rd in murders throughout the world. But, if you take out just 5  cities: Chicago, Detroit, Washington DC, St Louis and New Orleans, the United States is 4th from the bottom, in the ENTIRE world, for murders.
These 5 cities are controlled by the left.
They also have the toughest gun control laws in the USA.
It would be absurd to draw any conclusions from this data, right?
Well, I'm off to check on my spoons. I hear they're making people fat!
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