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Friday funny on whatever day today it.

Started by gene, February 01, 2017, 12:32:45 am

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gene

I saw two people weaving down the street. I yelled at them, "Come on! Get a loom!"

gene
QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!

gene

QuoteIn the 1860s, a small but impassioned debate broke out in both England, France, and the U.S. regarding the potentially "exciting" effects of the sewing machine. That's right--doctors worried that the rhythmic pumping of the thighs resulted in sexual arousal and that women workers were using the machines to stimulate themselves. Equal parts hilarious and infuriating, it is a story that brings up questions of the industrial use of women's bodies, their unanswered complaints of fatigue and ailment, masculine control of female sexual processes, and the threat of a working woman enjoying a private pleasure. In short, it's a juicy one. (Pun most definitely intended.)


I wonder who won the debate?

https://thefiberarchive.com/2016/05/13/history-project-the-immoral-rhythms-of-the-early-sewing-machine/



QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!

sofadoc

Jim's wife Linda was cooking breakfast.

Jim yelled out "Those eggs are going to stick! You need more butter! Hurry, hurry! More butter!"
Linda ran to the fridge to get more butter.

Suddenly Jim yelled "They're going to burn. You need to turn them. Hurry, turn them!"
She forgot about the butter, and ran back to the stove to turn them.

Then Jim started yelling for more butter again. "Hurry, hurry! More butter!"
"Turn them! Hurry, turn them!"

Linda was so upset, that she started crying. "Why are you yelling at me like this? I know how to cook eggs!"

Jim said "I know...........I just wanted you to know what it's like when I'm driving and you're in the car with me."
"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban

byhammerandhand

 The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"

The teacher sat down and cried.
Keith

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." Thomas A. Edison

gene

February 18, 2017, 01:21:20 pm #4 Last Edit: February 18, 2017, 01:22:44 pm by gene
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"

Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her arthritic hands are so bad she can only fasten eight."

I can remember the good ol' days when I would have chuckled at Keith's joke instead of having my alternative ending pop into my head, as I was rubbing my sore knees.   :)

gene
QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!

sofadoc

February 18, 2017, 01:55:20 pm #5 Last Edit: February 18, 2017, 04:47:45 pm by sofadoc
A blonde went to the local dairy to buy enough milk to take a milk bath.

The manager asked "Do you want that milk pasteurized?

The blonde said "Nah. Just give me enough to fill the tub passed my ass. I can splash around if I want to get it in my eyes".




Yes Gene. I know this joke is dated. Nobody has asked for pasteurized milk in 40 years.


Quote from: gene on February 18, 2017, 01:21:20 pm
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"

Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her arthritic hands are so bad she can only fasten eight."
But Gene.......the whole premise of the classic line of "Little Johnny" jokes is that Little Johnny will turn something perfectly innocent into something vile and offensive. By changing the punchline to "arthritic hands", you have reduced Little Johnny from the vulgar hellion that we've all grown to know and love to just another precocious little scamp.

Little Johnny jokes would never be the same again. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to rule your submission inadmissible.
"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban

Darren Henry

Here here!! Little Johnny might be a little rough around the edges---but to have him picking on us for being old and worn out just makes him seem mean. LOL.

BTW before I share this next one, does anyone remember the old TV show "Hollywood Squares" and or the entertainer "Grandpa Jones" of Grand ole opery fame?
Life is a short one way trip, don't blow it!Live hard,die young and leave no ill regrets!

byhammerandhand

Quote from: Darren Henry on February 18, 2017, 09:58:25 pm
Here here!! Little Johnny might be a little rough around the edges---but to have him picking on us for being old and worn out just makes him seem mean. LOL.

BTW before I share this next one, does anyone remember the old TV show "Hollywood Squares" and or the entertainer "Grandpa Jones" of Grand ole opery fame?


Yes.  Some real classic responses on Hollywood Squares.  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059995/quotes


My college roommates and I would often watch Hee-Haw before heading out for Saturday night.
Keith

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." Thomas A. Edison

sofadoc

Quote from: byhammerandhand on February 19, 2017, 12:47:16 am

Yes.  Some real classic responses on Hollywood Squares.  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059995/quotes
It was painfully obvious how scripted all those funny answers were. The writers started with a punchline, and then wrote a question to fit it.

Back in the day, viewers actually thought that the stars came up with those hilarious answers off the cuff.
"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban

Darren Henry

QuoteJohnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"


I always remember an episode  of Hollywood squares where Grandpa Jones was asked to complete the line "One flew east and one flew west----". With a totally straight face he answered "when Dollie Parton took off her vest".
Life is a short one way trip, don't blow it!Live hard,die young and leave no ill regrets!

gene

I wonder how much of Dolly was real under her vest? Johnny Carson once said he would give a years pay to peek under there.

She wore wigs. Her husband stayed at home and tended to the business and home life. He seemed to not want any publicity.

I occasionally would watch Hollywood Squares when I was a kid and never knew what most of those stars did that made them stars. Were they mostly B and C actors?

gene

QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!

byhammerandhand

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos.The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
Keith

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." Thomas A. Edison

sofadoc

Quote from: gene on February 19, 2017, 07:26:40 pm
I occasionally would watch Hollywood Squares when I was a kid and never knew what most of those stars did that made them stars. Were they mostly B and C actors?
It was that way on a lot of those old game shows. Anybody know what Kitty Carlisle, or Brett Sommers or Fanny Flagg did besides game shows?
"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban

gene

Last year I watched the old What's My Line, I've Got a Secret, and To Tell the Truth. All in black and white. I googled almost every celebrity on those shows to see why they were famous. One celebrity, Johnny Carson, I knew, but he had not yet taken over the Tonight Show.

It was amazing to see the host smoking a cigarette.

gene
QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!

sofadoc

3 catholic men were talking in a bar.

The first man said "My son is a priest. People call him "Father".
The second said "Well, MY son is a bishop. People say "Your Grace".
The third boasted "MY son is a cardinal. People refer to him as "Your Imminence".

The waitress walking by heard all this and said "Well......my daughter has a 24" waist and triple D boobs. When your sons see her, they all say "Jesus".
"Perfection is the greatest enemy of profitability" - Mark Cuban