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End of the week humorous amusing anecdote (formerly Friday Funny)

Started by sofadoc, May 18, 2018, 02:06:54 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

SteveA


   A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP Make America Great Again cap with two beers sitting in front of him.
   
The union boss doesn't need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not for the 'Republican'.
   
Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
   
This infuriates the 'Union Boss'.
   
After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!"
   
A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.
   
Frustrated that he can't seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"
   
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

SteveA

The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
 
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
 
My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"  "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
 
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


SteveA

Subject: Stanford Notes on Coronavirus
The new Coronavirus may not show sign of infection for many days. How can you know if you are infected?  By the time you have fever and/or cough and go to the hospital, the lung is usually 50% fibrosis. 

Taiwan experts provide a simple self-check that we can do every morning:  Take a deep breath and hold it for more than 10 seconds. If you do this successfully without coughing, without discomfort, stiffness or tightness, there is no fibrosis in the lungs; it basically indicates no infection. In critical times, please self-check every morning in an environment with clean air.

Serious excellent advice by Japanese doctors treating COVID-19 cases: Everyone should ensure your mouth & throat are moist, never dry. Take a few sips of water every 15 minutes at least. Why?  Even if the virus gets into your mouth, drinking water or other liquids will wash them down through your throat and into the stomach. Once there, your stomach acid will kill all the virus. If you don't drink enough water regularly, the virus can enter your windpipe and then the lungs. That's very dangerous.

Please send and share this with family and friends.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT - CORONAVIRUS:
1. If you have a runny nose and sputum, you have a common cold.
2. Coronavirus pneumonia is a dry cough with no runny nose.
3. This new virus is not heat-resistant and will be killed by a temperature of just 26/27 degrees C.  (About 77 degrees F.)  It hates the Sun.
4. If someone sneezes with it, it goes about 10 feet before it drops to the ground and is no longer airborne.
5. If it drops on a metal surface it will live for at least 12 hours - so if you come into contact with any metal surface, wash your hands as soon as you can with a bacterial soap.
6. On fabric it can survive for 6-12 hours. normal laundry detergent will kill it.
7. Drinking warm water is effective for all viruses. Try not to drink liquids with ice.
8. Wash your hands frequently as the virus can only live on your hands for 5-10 minutes, but - a lot can happen during that time - you can rub your eyes, pick your nose unwittingly and so on.
9. You should also gargle as a prevention. A simple solution of salt in warm water will suffice.
10. Can't emphasis enough - drink plenty of water!

THE SYMPTOMS:
1. It will first infect the throat, so you'll have a sore throat lasting 3/4 days
2. The virus then blends into a nasal fluid that enters the trachea and then the lungs,
causing pneumonia. This takes about 5/6 days further.
3. With the pneumonia comes high fever and difficulty in breathing.
4. The nasal congestion is not like the normal kind. You feel like you're drowning. It's imperative you then seek immediate attention.

To your health!

SteveA

You could hardly see for all the snow,

Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
 
'Good Night, David.
Good Night, Chet.'

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread Mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

No school bus. We walked 6 blocks without mom, without crossing guards, without wheely school bags, without so much as a scratch.
Weekends found us all roller skating down to the corner candy store where for 10cents we shared the latest "Archie & Veronica" comic book. Now we would require adult supervision, knowledge of cell phone emergency capabilities and a lecture "stranger danger" and on using 911 just to get the mail.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE... And risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option... Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses?   Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah... And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

How did we all make it through without seatbelts and bike helmets and booster seats? Maybe the 50mph speed limit made that much difference?We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $99 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either; because if we did we got our butt spanked there and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off.

Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house.

Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a jerk. It was a neighborhood run a muck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.

How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even
Notice that the entire country wasn't taking prozak!

How did we ever survive?

kodydog

I didn't walk to school but did ride my bike 3/4 miles to the bus stop. I locked the bike to a chain link fence behind the laundromat. The bus did NOT stop at every house.

Now I live around the corner from the local elementary/middle school. Some mornings I walk the dog by the school and can say for certain, nobody walks to school anymore.

Billy Heath's dad bought him a boat for his birthday. Mom said, if I ever catch you riding in that boat I'll have your hide. So I always had to duck down when passing our house.

Gym was an easy "A" except that one year I got a C. For some reason that coach did not like me.

I would ride my bike 5 miles to my best friends house. Spend the night and ride it back home the next day. Wasn't a big deal back then.

We survived by learning life's lessons, like licking our wounds, drinking out of the garden hose and staying clear of the school bully.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
http://northfloridachair.com/index.html

kodydog

Mumps, Measles, Chicken pocks, Pneumonia, Viruses, Bacteria's I had them all. They never declared a national emergency. The cure was chicken soup and orange juice. Give em a couple aspirins and send them to bed. But seriously, I did end up in the children's hospital with pneumonia once. 12 years old, couldn't keep any food down. The nurse asked me, if I could have any food what would it be. I said chocolate milk shake. So she went to the Kitchen and made me one. I took one sip and couldn't finish it. I felt bad she went to all that effort. 
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
http://northfloridachair.com/index.html

SteveA

This is an older one but still funny

The "F" Word
Question :     When is the use of"@#$%"or"@#$%ing"acceptable? 

Answer:   There are only 11 times throughout history where the "F" word
has been considered acceptable for use.

In ASCENDING order, those exclamations were:

11."What the @#$% do you mean, we're sinking?"
~ Capt. E. J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.
 
10."What the @#$% was that?"
~ Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

9." Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
~ George Custer, 1877

8."Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
~ Albert Einstein, 1938.

7."It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
~ Picasso, 1926

6."How the @#$% did you work that out?"
~ Pythagoras, 126 BC.

5."You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
~ Michelangelo, 1566.

4."Where the @#$% are we?"
~ Amelia Earhart, 1937

3"Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
~ Noah, 4314 BC

2."Aw, come on Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
~ Bill Clinton, 1998
AND THE WINNER IS ....
1."There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"
~ Hillary Clinton, 2016

SteveA

Raw toilet paper for sale by the log $ 20.00

Like a good neighbor stay over there !

Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly - next week - turn signals -

What are you wearing Jake from State Farm -  UMMMMMMMMM A Hazmat suit ???

Our cleaning lady just called and told us she will be working from home and will send instructions on what to do -


Asians are buying rice - Mexicans are buying beans - Russians are buying vodka - Americans are buying toilet paper -

Nail salons - closed - Hair salons closed - it's about to get real ugly out there -

And just like that spankings and prayer is back in school #homeschool2020

Now available in Quarantine sizes 100 bottles / case  - Bud Beer - family pack size -

SteveA

Looking to trade 3 rolls of 2 ply toilet paper and half can of lysol for a 68 camaro - message me -

Free roll of toilet paper with every carton of corona beer -

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled - last call -

What's the difference between the coronavirus and the 737 MAX - one is airborne -

If you get the corona virus twice it's called Doe Equis -

Breaking news : mail order brides from China are now 75% off -

I have a 24 pack of toilet paper looking to swap for a 4 B/R house -


gene

I saw a picture from a computer store that had a roll of toilet paper for sale for $7,000. It came with a free laptop computer.

When you order carry out food from restaurants some will also sell you toilet paper rolls. What they used to give away from free in their bathrooms they are now selling. A+ to the person who thought of doing this.

SteveA: You seem to be at the epicenter of the virus. Stay safe. It doesn't sound like fun in NYC right now.
QUALITY DOES NOT COST, IT PAYS!

SteveA

How grandchildren perceive their grandparents

1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one -- it says I'm only '38'!)
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

SteveA

Lost Words from our childhood in the 1950's and 60's
Murgatroyd!           Do you remember that word? Would you believe the spell-checker today
did not recognize the word Murgatroyd?  The phrase was "Heavens to Murgatroyd!"

The other day a not so elderly (I say 75) lady said something to her son
about driving a   Jalopy;      and he looked at her quizzically
and said, "What the heck is a Jalopy?" He had never heard of the
word jalopy! She knew she was old ... But not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory  after you read this and chuckle.
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have
become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.
These phrases included:     Don't touch that dial,
Carbon copy,
You sound like a broken record,
and Hung out to dry.

Back in the old days we had a lot of  moxie . We'd put on     
our best bib and tucker  ,  to  straighten up and fly right.

Heavens to Betsy!         
Gee whillikers!         
Jumping Jehoshaphat!      Holy Moley!

We were   in like Flynn   and  living the life of Riley ; and even a regular guy couldn't
accuse us of being a  knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.      Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the old days, life used to be swell,  but when's the last time anything was swell?         
Swell has gone the way of beehives hair style, pageboys and the D.A.;
of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.
Oh, my aching back!    Kilroy was here,  but he isn't anymore.
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say,     
"Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!"           Or,     
"This is a fine kettle of fish!"
Poof,  go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone.
   Lickitysplit.           
Where have all those great phrases gone?
Long gone:   Pshaw, The milkman did it.  Hey! It's your nickel.     
Knee high to a grasshopper.    Well, Fiddlesticks!     Going like sixty.      I'll see you in the funny papers.   Don't take any wooden nickels.  Wake up and smell the roses or coffee
It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than
Carter has liver pills.
This can be disturbing stuff!          (Carter's Little Liver Pills are gone too!)

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child each new word is
like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the
advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that
once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory.
It's one of the greatest advantages of aging!

Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth... 
See ya later, alligator!           Okidoki.          After while    crocodile

You'll notice they left out      "Monkey Business"!!!

WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF A FABULOUS TIME IN AMERICA .
NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY AGAIN ... WE WERE GIVEN ONE OF OUR MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS:
LIVING IN THE PEACEFUL AND COMFORTABLE TIMES,
CREATED FOR US BY THE "GREATEST GENERATION!"

....OK if crawling under school desks for nuclear attack drills,
the Cold War is peaceful and comfortable....but the cars and the music were  KEEN!
__._,_.___


SteveA

Irish Confession
 
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the Priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The Priest replied, "You moron! You're on my side."


AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men....are men.

______________________________ __
Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.
Mick: "Paddy, what if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
______________________________ __
Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says, it seems calm enough to me".
Mick says,"I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
______________________________ __
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk.  Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
______________________________ __

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced,"Not guilty.'
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
______________________________ __
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
______________________________ __

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself", Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know",says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
______________________________ __
The Tour Director asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "Well, if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat wouldn't they?"
______________________________
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
______________________________ __

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?"
'No,' he says',but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
______________________________ __


Finnegin: "My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it."

Keenan: "What on earth is she doin' at that time of morning?"

Finnegin: "Waitin' for me to come home."
______________________________ __


He phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said.'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'

'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.

'No, this is her husband, Kevin.'
______________________________ __

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?